humbled human

To this soundtrack of crap punk music, I write out my not-so-clear thoughts. (I feel like my roommate’s listening to the “Crazy Taxi” soundtrack, yech.)

Just don’t know what to d

(Had to leave the room.)

“Just see where it goes.” That’s what I feel from God.

As I don’t have a mirror in this living room, I’m going to open up “Photo Booth” and look at myself.

(Bathroom break.)

Anyway, I have nothing new to say. Only that God is the only thing making this work, if it ever does. I don’t want to hear “Just see where it goes.” I want to hear “this will be fruitful” or “do this” or “do that.” I have all that he’s shown me up till now, all the signs, all the encouragement, from others and him.

It’s taking all the faith I have to follow him. This afternoon I felt him stand in for me as I couldn’t love, the way I was inside. I felt his Spirit within me holding me up, making me patient and kind. It was strange. It was like standing on a scaffold. I could jump off at any time, return to my natural dysfunction and emotional vomiting; I didn’t. I just had faith, and he delivered, he stood up, he carried me.


“Just see where it goes.” He’s led me here. I’m Afraid It Will Go Nowhere. Fear. What about that? “I know.” And?

“Just see where it goes.”