Hands hands.

I killed a ladybug accidently this afternoon. It doesn’t have the same emotion, this thought of just being friends with us. As in this huge martyr thing. Denying myself for the good of her. That feeling is gone at this moment. And now I’m left with doing what I know I need to do; making the decision to even though I’m not feeling much about it. Sucks.

On my hand is written “be true to friendship.” This last week I haven’t really been. We didn’t make out or anything, but as she said today when I asked her if I could hold her at times, “we already act like we’re in a relationship — then what would be the difference?”

And so we really shouldn’t be if we’re not. I feel like I failed in the relationship, and I feel, not ashamed, just…I made a mistake by riding the line of relationship/friendship. I know that God has grace, and if he wants he will have this relationship occur. Just sucks to fail. I need to forgive myself. And then I tend to take my unforgiveness for myself and place it onto others.

I can’t look at this as dirtied, just as growing. I mess up. She messes up. I messed up.

I’ll keep praying for God to bless it. And I’m going to be her friend.

Jon