Friday, November 28, 2003, 2:37.

I haven’t written a computer letter in what seems like a long time but is probably only a few days.

I feel weird, about everything.

I think if I ate a peanut butter (and jelly!) sandwich I could feel better, but it’s probably just a wet dream.

I’m so angry.

This whole thing.

Okay, let me try and put it into words.

(Fuck.)

Let me pause the movie that is playing.

I just feel like so lied to. I know you haven’t, I know it gets you angry because I’m the only one, I mean, hey.

You told me yesterday I’m your only friend? I feel a little better right this moment.

I just need to be close to you, need to, I mean literally.

I’m just so confused, and have been since it was over yesterday (the movie).

I don’t like being confused, because I have no idea, like there’s these thoughts, I can’t even put ‘em together, I can’t write normal, I’m writing I’m jumping everywhere.

I’m sorry if that makes for a bad letter.

Okay:

I don’t know.

“You’ve got to trust your instinct. And let go of regret. You’ve got to bet on yourself now, star. ‘Cause that’s your best bet.”

Started listening to That 311 song (the early days…).

“Now it’s morning but last night’s on my mind. (There’s something I need to get off my chest.) And no matter what may come to shine, the dream will always be mine.

All mixed up, you don’t know what to do, next thing you turn around and find the person is you. (Thought a freak might be the thing. But the first could be the last so just get off your ass.)”

That song made me feel better.

(It has a lot to, I don’t know, do I look too far into things, because I think every song has to do with you and me.)

(Should I Stop?)

I’m online, and I’m wondering, is life classic?

(Life Is Vintage.)

I’m Angry About It Too, I’m angry about everything.

Except last night. Well, except for being with you last night, and nothing else, when it was just two friends hanging out and that fucking boyfriend, sigh.

When he didn’t interfere with everything.

“You are the blind bullshit, my main man.” – Three Kings

I’m talking to Irene, she’s doing well with her boyfriend, how nice.

Why do people feel like being cute and saying “Happy Turkey Day”, shut up.

(See how angry I am? I don’t get it, I’m so angry. How can I get it out.)

This is such a well written, acted, and directed film.

I don’t think my life is cursed with how I am and end up with girls, I love you.

I wish I could’ve made a better argument for you to feel better, but all I knew was that I love how you are, I don’t think you are fat, At All, What So Ever, I think you’re hot and sexy, and I can’t be commanded (on command) to make you feel better about yourself because my true feelings come out in times like these, in letters that I write to you.

I love that you call me, no one else does, and I love that you do, I am such a sad person aren’t I Jen.

When you talked about how I’m a lonely soul (or whatever term) and how I’ve always been the last one there, alone, yeah, I looked at that as an analogy for my life now when you said it, like, I am alone, and, I’m always the last one to leave, in most of my relationships.

Maybe not. Maybe I’ve changed.

(I spilled another Coke can and I’m ruining So Many Socks right now.)

Do you think that I have talent?

I wanna know everything you talked to your mom about today.

And.

I want you to be selfish and let me be selfish and hang out with me as long as possible before you go back to Mike.

I feel like we had an away time for the past few days, and I think it felt good, and I hope it did for you too, like a vacation, and that’s why I was so angry, I hate interruptions, And this was my weekend, this was my trip, you were my Jenn, and, things seemed right, didn’t they? For me.

And if they didn’t for you, that’s okay. I’ve kind of accepted the fact that things never work out right when you want them to. “He loves to share.”

I hate to share you.

You know, you wouldn’t be leeching off of me. See, I would cut myself while you were asleep and bleed my veins dry, into a container, put it in the fridge (or, if you liked it warm, microwave it before I give you some of me) and pour you a cup.

It’s not called leeching. It’s called love.

“I try to be substance based, not style based.”

“I think you got a lot of style…” – Three Kings (of course)

I love comedy dramas.

I love you. (Because you make me laugh and cry.)

I love cinematography.

Don’t ever let go of me, of who I am, of what I’ve given you, what you loved off of me, but I think you will, and I guess that’s why I’m so uneven right now.

When I am gone, I am invisible (in you).

Do you understand how I feel?

I’ll never let go of what you’ve given me. I, wait. If you don’t believe in God, what was the train? What was it?

(what are you)

In love.

I’m scared right now. I can feel something weird, some strange off center.

Saddam Hussein Sucks.

I Love Music!

I love Spike Jonze.

“Fuck it.” – Three Kings

I love Colin Hanks I love Tom Hanks.

I love girls.

I Love Girls.

(In Homer voice: Boobs…)

I want to fall.

(For some reason, that sentence was already underlined. Hmph.)

Colin Hanks is weird, always has a face on. I’m sure he’s real though.

James Vanderbeek (bad spelling, right?) is bad ass.

Boobs!

“Where’s the Jesus fire?”

“It’s all around you, right now, Conrad. You’re gonna be alright. You’re gonna be alright man.”

“I’m goin’ to hell…”

Death.

Death.

Sigh.

Dead.

That you and I will always be.

Jeu teim.

Je t’aime.

(I like yours better anyway.)

“I love my I love you shirt.” That’s why I laughed.

I love hearing your laugh.

And you being happy when you tell a story.

Your mom is funny.

Jenn.

Shut up.

You’re not perfect.

“What do you want me to DO?!”

Yes, you aren’t.

“There’s nothing wrong with me!”

I love laughs!

Iloveyou.

This is fun.

“She liked carrots.” Ha!

I’m better than everyone.

I may be alone, but I rock.

And you may be Jenn, but

That atmosphere in this room right now is, the whole day has gone by, and shit happens, and now it is time to rain. Not a bad way, not a good way, it is just time for melancholy H20.

And it washes everything away, all hurt, all pain, all love, makes everything real, everything right. It’s like when you dust.

Things are still the same. But just cleaner.

And it feels better, you can tell.

Music is playing now. Music can ruin too, did you know that?

What if you don’t want to change, what if you want to stay sad, what if the music changes everything and you can’t shut it off now because it’s already done it.

You’re different.

So you go with it.

I know this because it happens, I don’t know if a lot is good word for how much it happens, but it does happen when I don’t want it