Flowers were made to be gifts.

I was thinking about the reasons we do things, all night. After wasting my day away with masturbation and porno (I write it so you know how truly I wasted it) I drove by work to pick up my schedule, and on my way to my father’s I saw a guy who works with me walking home, a slow fellow, brain-wise. I’ve driven him home before (because it was raining and the walk is almost an hour for him) and I almost did it again, then I stopped myself because I realized I’d only be doing it to kill time before I went to my father’s, not to help the guy. It didn’t feel natural.

So I drove to my dad’s, and an hour later my co-worker arrived at home, having lost calories. (I actually made myself feel better about this at the time by saying “maybe God has him planned to walk home tonight, maybe it’ll help him in some way.”) I went to a movie with my father, Flight Plan which is actually really good, I didn’t expect it at all, and near the end Sarah called me, and I didn’t answer because I liekd the movie. As we left the theater I listened to my voice mail and she was wondering if I had come to her play that evening, the one she got me free tickets-for-two to.

I literally stopped in my tracks.

I let her message finish, and I started walking again. I felt so stupid, and bad, irresponisble, how would I explain myself, I thought maybe I should go and give her flowers tomorrow, surprise her and apologize. I’d only be doing that, though, because I wanted to replace the guilt I felt with daises, it wouldn’t really be for her, and more importantly she would know it. I prayed, I said “Lord, please help me figure out what to say to her. I messed up, and I have to accept that. Please give me peace over it and…” Anyway, that helped, and I just decided to call her tomorrow and be honest and hope for the best, really.

It was at that point that I realized — I’m not usually drawn into human drama anymore, I’ve tried to seperate myself from that since Jenn. I mean, living with other people you kind of have to, but it’s different. But having this happen with Sarah, I felt pulled back into it again (Al Pacino from The Godfather Part III springs to mind) and after praying, having some silence with God, with nature, with the night — we are meant to have human relations. We are meant to enjoy our lives while loving God, when Jesus said the two most important things were Love the Lord your God and Love your neighbor as yourself — in a perfect world, in “paradise” where God is with us, these healthy relationships are part of everything. It’s harder of course, not being in paradise and all. But it can still be accomplished. Human “drama” is just a bad connection.

It was 2 am and I saw the stars, I guess there wasn’t much light around. Dad was driving so I rolled down the window and stuck my head out. Stars, man. I can’t think of much else better than the sky, than the night, than Any Life. Another thought came, I said “Thank You Lord…this is just amazing” it was so clear! Then it hit me: if God were just a spirit who doesn’t care about us and did create us (and everything) but is apathetic about it…does that make this night any less beautiful? His reason for creating it, in this sense, matters not, because look where we are. So if I drove that man to waste time, even still, look how much faster he got home. If I gave Sarah flowers because I was feeling guilty, does that make them worth less?

In a way it does, reason does have to do with some things. But only to a point. I believe that Sarah and I have known each other long enough that if I gave her flowers tomorrow, having thought it through the way I have now, I believe that at some point she would appreciate them as at least some nice flowers. (Admittedly, though, it would have been better had I brought them to her show, or if I had just seen her and bought them.)

So reason is not important, and it really is. The stars are amazing to me because of the love I see in them, and while apathetic stars might be just as beautiful, flowers given for no other reason than pure love are the best kind.