Come, thou fount of every blessing.

I’ve been giving in every night lately. It’s so easy to do it. I can’t find a suitable scenario to relate to what I’m doing to myself. Yes, it’s like jumping into mud, yes it’s like getting drunk knowing you’re alcoholic, but the worst thing of all (other than betraying God) is that I see girls now, and I can’t not look at their breasts. It’s disgusting. And I want to change, and I thought I would today, because I don’t like not denying myself to YHWH, and then the thought hits at about 1-2 am, and immediately my sexual prowess starts up like the engine of a car, and I know, I know I could pray and He would help turn me off, and I don’t pray. The more I do it, the less guilt I feel, dear God, how sad desensitization is. I don’t feel worthy to write His name. When left alone, my heart likes wasting away. Why is God still here? He’s still here to put His hand on the shoulder of my soul, to mourn with me. Where sin abounds grace abounds, and I don’t like making Him give out more grace. Imagine, I kill a man, and his father cries for my regret. I don’t know how to stop without getting rid of my computer. That’s exagerrating a bit. I could stop. Why don’t I? I like representing christianity when living that life is who I genuinely am, is just the fruit of my tree, and I feel like I’m not in that life right now, right now I feel like a liar. I feel like I’ve turned against most of what I believe in for gluttony. I tell the devil, often, “shackle me, I like being locked up”.

I start to feel the loss of God after about 30 minutes. We are dust. God loves us.

O to grace how great a debtor
Daily Im constrained to be!
Let Thy goodness, like a fetter,
Bind my wandering heart to Thee.
Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,
Prone to leave the God I love;
Heres my heart, O take and seal it,
Seal it for Thy courts above.

Happy Thanksgiving 🙂

Been there, lots of times. Don’t give up. Recommit yourself yet again. Allow it to get out of your system. It’ll get better 🙂

that’s my favorite hymn.

I’m going to comment on this before replying to your note: You shouldn’t feel bad for doing what you do, it’s a biological urge to procreate, propogation of the species and all that. We have these things for a reason, and if you believe God created us, then you have to believe that he gave us these urges (and the “equipment”), and responding to them is ok… [cont]

As I’ve said, I’m not religious, but if I were I would see this as being an excusable action, purely because you can do it yourself and say sorry, or you can go and find somebody to do it for you, which is much worse. Of course, I’m probably wrong but that’s how I (would) see it in this context. Now to reply to your note…

My thoughts on God? I have trouble comprehending certain things about God. You always get the “If God is loving why do bad things happen?” and the reply “God works in mysterious ways/God has a plan” thing, but that doesn’t concern me. I guess it’s faith. Putting all your faith into something is… Well, I’m a bit of a chicken at the best of times, so you can see the problem…

This could take a while… I’ll just post an entry with your name as the title, there you’ll find my reply… Easier that way.