A Messiah’s a wonderful thing.

I’m going to trim my beard today when I get home. I’ve also made a slight part in my hair on the side, as opposed to the hat hair look I’ve been going for recently. I didn’t realize how akward it looked, I just thought it looked straighter than usual. Why do I always look so tired? I’ve been dealing with a mistake I made Sunday night, which was looking at pornography. I would guess that’s why I look so sullen. The girl hasn’t called me back, and seems to ignore my IM’s, which I’ve done to people before, and I have felt bad when I do it to others, but that’s just the way it is I guess. Since the girl is one of my patients at work (as in, she’s in the program that I work for) I’m sure she’ll be nice and flirtatious, or not, but I’m sure she hasn’t thought about this at all. And I’m not going to make her think about it!, because that would be awkward. I could stand to lose a good 15-20 pounds, and put on some chiseled features. I don’t feel good about myself right now, — can you tell. ? But I’m trying, I went outside before I started work today and played Damien Rice on my iPod and read a few chapters from “A Purpose Driven Life”, which I would like it if you stopped judging me, it’s for my small group, and it’s actually not as bad as I thought it would be, I’m actually liking it. I start my work in 2 minutes and thirty seconds. Outside is beautiful, and when I leave work it’s dark already, and I don’t like it. Tonight I will trim my beard; but then what? One minute. What will I do? I can’t watch Nip/Tuck, I just can’t tonight. I’ve been at work for 3 minutes now, so I should probably stop writing. I’ll tell you something I figured out last night. I figured out that I love talking to people about God, and about the world and love, but. Around other christians, I tend to covet being a christian. (It took me 20 minutes to get that sentence out.) I make knowing God and loving God and being loved by God into some sort of contest where we’re comparing how big our spiritual penis’ are, it’s the dumbest thing, and it has nothing to do with anyone else, just my own fear of being inadequate (which, whether true or imagined, seems to come to fruition whenever I enter these made-up contests). So that’s where I am.

I just found out, people who are blind from an early age end up processing some auditory stimuli in the visual areas of their brain. Imagine! I need help with the inadequacy I feel. I know I’m probably holding it against this girl that she hasn’t been very caring or polite (and that’s worthless and accomplishes nothing and it’s natural I guess) but I wish it would just disappear from my memory, I wish I could just see her as a very pretty girl again — which she is, she’s human!

Sometimes when I close my eyes and pray for the God of the universe to cleanse me, I see different visuals. When I was in Asheville, it was of a hand scrubbing burnt left-overs off of my chest, which had become a silver bowl; and it hurt as he did it and it felt awesome and I cried a bit. Today when I prayed and closed my eyes, I was clothing in a washing machine, and I was white, and the water was clear, and slowly I was being seperated from the grease and dirt that had been attached to me so haphazardly as I played in the grass (and then in the mud).

I am finely laid, ironed, and ready to wear.