A lot of words with nothing to say.

I was alone tonight, I saw a movie. I saw “The Fountain”. I don’t know if watching it again would help me understand it more or not. I get the base message, Life and Death, I’m drinking Diet Pepsi, but thinking about these type of things makes me feel like I’m drinking a fine wine which has been allowed to breathe for a few minutes before it is forced by the Law of Gravity to fall down my esophagus and help to make me more comfortable, help me to relax.

I wish I had not seen anything of the film, I wish I’d heard no hype. It’s the dangers of being so in to movie news. If I had gone into the movie expecting just a drama about a husband trying to save his wife from cancer, I think it all would have hit me a lot harder. I won’t discuss the film anymore on here, because I don’t want to ruin anything, but I do think I’m going to see it again, if only to go in with a different perspective.

I’m confused lately. I’m finding it very hard to put into words my thoughts on God and creation and etc., and to be honest right now it just isn’t — where I am? That’s not to say I don’t care about these things, because I do, I just feel (feel being a keyword, I think) like I need to be quiet and listen; I do feel a bit distant from Jesus, but I don’t know if that’s an alarming thing yet; our human experience is at least partly based upon ebb and flow, rainy seasons and dry seasons, times when you trust God is there, and listen. Times when There Is No Question, Jesus kneels right before you, and washes your feet. O conqueror.

I walked out of the movie at 2 am, and the parking lot was almost empty, and I could hear everything. (Not the galaxies, but I could hear crickets, that’s pretty good.) Dennis, today, talked to me about yesterday, about Thanksgiving, and how he saw in me glimpses of himself, of being interested in the more important things, and trying to start conversations with family members that went deeper than football (his words), and he said he also saw why we were put together geographically (he is married to my mother) as we were, how he is what most people would consider strange, where he in the past has experienced deep loneliness because of his eccentricities, even as they are a gift; the point is, he said we are alike. And I have hope, because he’s a good man, and he got made fun of (and gets made fun of every year) by my family members, and he loves them. He didn’t say a bad word about them. (My mother did.)

Comparatively, my uncle is wealthy, has an awesome house, is the COO of a huge chain of restaurants, has cars, has “everything”, and Dennis is almost deaf usually, is bald, is overweight, is just cutting it money-wise, and drives an early 90’s Corolla, and he’s wacky. To see these men as the same is tough, when taking into consideration how awesome my uncle’s wealth is. But I think Dennis does more with his money and his time to nourish and spread and grow with the kingdom of God. I want to be like a weird guy who isn’t successful!

“You have no idea what success is.” – God

That would not make a catchy billboard. Anyway, I’ll end this because you deserve to be done with it, but death is a reality of our lives, death is not far away, I have probably not pondered death enough because I feel so far away from it. Feel being a keyword; of course.

“Reduce, reuse, recycle.” – Brahman