A death in the family.

As I drove to school today, “Agnus Dei” by Rufus Wainwright came on. Earlier today I was crying, and I didn’t know why. I’m accepting of truth. I’m okay. But for some reason I just started balling, not out of sadness but almost out of joy. But a joy that hurt. It lasted for probably 10 minutes. I wrote an entry in my diary entitled “Grief,” and all it said was “I don’t know why I’m crying.”

So, on the way to school this same feeling hits, during “Agnus Dei.” This joyful sadness. And as I began to speak out what was going on within me, the tears broke through my eyes, and my voice pushed out: “The goal is Christ. The goal is God.”

I grieve for the death of myself. But I am joyful and overcome with emotion because I am redirected to what is important; Not what I want, but to simply aim toward him. Constantly make sure I am aligned correctly.

Death hurts. Renewed Life is indescribable, except through joyful crying. And now I go to my Art History class with streaks of salt on my face, and a boogered-mustache.

This is following Jesus, for me.

(Later additions.)

“All of life comes down to just one thing, that’s to love you, oh Jesus, and to make you known.” – the song Single Minded

I’m praying for him to change my heart towards Amber. I’m also praying for him to lead hers (not to me, just in general). Amen.