A blemish.

This girl called me from a Fiona Apple concert tonight. Here’s what I’m thinking:

Who was I six years ago?

I miss being that close to people.

Who am I?

Why am I always sad?

Why do I hate myself?

What do I want?

I want to be big. There’s no point to it, it’s dumb and self-serving and…dumb, but secretly yes I do. I want move to New York or California and I want to be known. I want someone to love me. I know I need to love myself first. My self-esteem always feels so …I want to know where it all comes from. I don’t usually focus on these bad things. It’s good to confront them. Maybe that’s why I can’t take compliments. Please change me. I want a girlfriend and I want a big city and I want You, God, and I really try to not let any of those things get in the way of You. I know what You want for me is best. But it’s hurts so much to be here right now. To be in Florida, even with my great church and what I’m being allowed to do there with them, and my job…

Natalie called me from Fiona Apple’s concert, and Natalie lives in New York City, and Natalie was the first girl I ever really kissed, and we were both in love with “magnolia”, and I loved her so much, and it hurt when she went away to college, and stopped talking to me. And I don’t care about that anymore, at all, I love her still. But she lives in New York. And, I’m not.

Who was I six years ago? Broken, 16, and very self-centered.

Who am I? Constantly mended, but sad, and I don’t know why.

Why do I hate myself? Because it’s easy to.

What do I want? To not want to be loved. To be okay with people saying I do a good job. To not hate myself, – maybe I do that to make-up for compliments. To love myself, to be okay with Florida, to not always have sad be a place I return to daily, to know someone as well as I did Natalie. To have a totally unselfish love for somebody, not that that was. To stop focusing on myself.

To focus on God. To sacrifice myself – everything for Him.

These things you see here are wounds.