2594 (something-something) Cove, Apt. 214

I don’t write at all. I’m having a good summer, I guess. I’m sitting here trying to figure out what I have to say after not writing for, it must be 2 weeks? At least I’m not swirling again, slowly crashing.

I think living independently from my dad is going to change me, I think it has. I hate roaches. I squish them so quickly when I see them. I don’t like being unclean anymore, in my room, anything. We have plane seats in our living room, about 3 feet away from a wide window and facing them. Outside this window is a dead tree with moss. It sits in front of a lake. I haven’t taken advantage of this thinking place because I haven’t had any time to think. My speech class is ending (I’m awesome) and I’ve had a lot of work, the most I’ve ever really applied myself to in my life. I’m also working a lot, because I need money now. Don’t just want to buy things, I owe people, I owe businesses, I have an apartment.

I like the people I live with, everything has gone fine in one week. Today is my first day of not working since I moved in.

So that’s my life right now. Sarah got a boyfriend, and he is good looking, perfect for her, apparently. And I say that because…I guess he is. They go well together, and…I’m not afraid of being replaced at all, this is not about that. I think it’s that he and I are so different, really, that I can’t imagine…I guess it’s just some island far away that I can’t go to, that Sarah goes to.

For the first time, I guess, (and I love her just as much if not more and truly) it feels like we’re different. I miss her. Not who she “used to be” or something melodramatic, it’s not like she’s changed, or like I feel like this is The Beginning Of The End, but maybe

I don’t know. I guess I just miss alone times with her.

Bitter Pill

June 16, 2005

Combat Superbait in the gold box will eliminate your roaches in one week. Just remember to replace them every three months. Seriously, they worked on my giant Florida roaches and my Los Angeles/Koreatown roaches. They are a life saver.

Don’t worry! It will take time…But i am sure u will find someone else to love. Good luck! Amanda

whyktdaggerktwhy

June 18, 2005

I told you roach motels do wonders! It feels like a few decades since I’ve spoken with you last. Old friend talk to me!

sigh. not to create another “pity sarah” party, (and i know, i’m oh-so-fond of those) but between you, and nathan, and my brother being in love with tess, i keep wondering what exactly it is i’m doing wrong, that i should feel guilty all the time, goddammit, for once i’d rather not be the betrayer, i’d rather be the betrayed.

it’s been a bloody stupid day. on the bright side, mr. brightside, i’m very glad your new apt. is working out. i want to come see you there. i guess this is the price i pay. people just like me better when i’m sad and bitter and trapped. i don’t mean that in a ridiculous emo way. it’s somehow true. i don’t want to be your regret. i’d rather be your cocoon.