1/13/07
How have I changed? I am constantly melancholy, I cry a lot, I cry in front of people now, last night, my friend held me for 5 minutes. Im more open with people about how depressed Ive become; Ive also come to terms with getting back on anti-depressants. Last night I hated myself, and then right before I sobbed to my friend, I mumbled Im so lonely, and I have a feeling a lot of how I am now is based upon that. I wish it would go away, I wish just knowing God loves me would be enough, but even dedicating my life as much as possible everyday to Him seems numbed, echoes of a former glory. Im reading a C.S. Lewis book titled Chiefly on Prayer and he talks about how too many Christians focus on the feeling that is now missing, instead of trying to discover what new thing God has made for you. And how should the Infinite repeat Himself? All space and time are too little for Him to utter Himself in them once. I believe this to be the 2 year anniversary of deciding to follow Jesus. Im so glad I did, and I guess what Im going through is something I need, but Im mostly just saying that because its probably true, not because it makes me feel any better.
Its very good to be able to, when someone asks how Im doing, answer not very good, to not hide anymore, to show my sullen eyes, to not smile sometimes. Its also scary, because I dont want to be myself if it means Im going to damper someone elses mood.
Please God,
Give my existence rest. Renew me. Help Mike.
Amen.
You heard him, God. Send him help 🙂
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{Hugs}
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“A winter’s day, in a deep and dark December. I am alone, gazing from my window to the street below, on a freshly-fallen silent shroud of snow. I am a rock. I am an island.” That is the saddest song I know. I don’t think God wants you to be lonely. If knowing God was enough, why did He make us so interdependent? Why did create Eve from Adam’s rib? The name “Adam” means “earth,” but the name”Eve” means LIFE… our lives lie within our companions. *hugs*
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you’re very lucky and blessed to have friends who care enough to hold you. not every one is that lucky. in my opinion there is nothing more difficult that depression and i sincerely hope that you find your way out of that darkness. ryn~i love matchboxtwenty and only recently even listened to their first album. i’ve had it since the day it was released but i only ever listened to ‘push’ and ‘hang’ (nice verbs eh?) and the other day i pulled it out, dusted the album off and popped it in my car and couldn’t believe how great it was! how could i have possibly missed the excellence that is that album? i can’t stop listening to ‘shame’ and ‘kody’. i’ve never though of rob thomas as a very nice, or not so nice. i’m in love with their second album but oddly don’t really think of the bandmembers at all. whatever though. nice to know he was nice at some point. before he went solo or whatever he was really good. what a boring long note :o)
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Ryn~ He’s fine. He just began a new semester. Only one class this time. And he says it’s easy, plus there’s no textbook, so hopefully that will give him more free time unlike last semester. Thanks for loving my font, I’m sure it loves you too, lol.
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