Wednesday Morning

March 21, 2018

It has been awhile. I have been going through a very long dry spell I could not think of anything to write about. I haven’t been doing much besides reading . I have been struggling with this one author James Hillman. I read one book of his The Soul’s Code. I really liked his style of writing but I could not understand him. I must have gone over the same material several times.  For the life of me I couldn’t say what the book was about to save my own soul. This caused me now end of frustration., But still I really enjoyed reading Hillman. I bought another of his books The Terrible Love of War. I’m going to read that one next.

I am still battling with depression and anxiety. This takes a lot out of me. I feel drained and exhausted  most of the time. Then at night I have erratic sleep patters. Sometimes I will go to bed very early then wake up at 1 or 2 in the morning. Then I will have very weird and very vivid  dreams. Consequently with I do wake up I feel like a train wreck.  I don’t understand it. I feel so damned tired during the day but at night I cannot sleep.

Anxiety has also been bad. Chief worry is about the credit card balance. At the start of the month I swore that I was  not going to use it. I was going to pay them $80 a month and get my credit card balance down to zero. i  can’t do this much. I ended up buying two books from Barnes and Noble for $12.99 each.  I also bought groceries on the card. Then Open Diary took out $3.99 Now I have a bigger balance on my card than when I started out. To make things worse it is almost maxed out.

It is getting towards the end of the month. I’ve been thinking about finances for next month. So far it doesn’t look good. I get $770 a month. Out of this comes Comcast for $155.8 and rent for $218. This leaves me with $396.20   Then $80 to my credit card company; $45 for cigars;$40 for meds and laundry;$31.20 for cleaning supplies and $200 for groceries. I wont have anything left over but I will probably buy a couple of books I can’t afford. I I worry about not having enough food to get through the month or enough cleaning supplies or cigars. f worry that I will be declared incompetent and cannot handle my own money.

This might be an irrational fear. I always have money for rent. I always have money for food. i always have money for meds I spend a lot of money on cable, phone and internet. I spend a lot of money on books. But the bills are always paid and I always have money for groceries. Still I worry about finances. I have only so much money to go around an d one screw up could mess up the whole apple cart.

Then I worry ab out being sent a a nursing home or group home. I am not taking care of myself . I am not showering or taking care of my apartment. I think it is the damned depression. I get so frigging depressed for no reason. When I get like this all I want to do is sit on my ass and read; I feel like shit in the first place and then when I do not do anything I feel even worse.

I really havew to do something to cxhange. I can’t go on much longer like this.