Tuesday Morning

March 6, 2018

I had another bad night. I was up and down a few times. Then I had a really bad nightmare. In this one dream I remember I was a Jew in Nazi Germany. My parents were at this train station waiting to be shipped to a concentration camp. I was being left behind. I think they were going to put me in a work camp. I was talking to this Nazi official. I wanted to talk to my parents I said. He was going on about something else entirely. I managed to get to the train station but it was too late. They were gone.

Anyway I survived the war. I remember talking about all the horrors of concentration camp life. I was telling a story about how they were encouraging people to commit suicide. They were giving people a gun with one bullet. They were telling them the best way to do it. Point the gun to your the side of forehead at an angle. Then they were putting people in suicide mission. If they survived the mission they could return home. I also talked about treatment in concentration camps. There was all kinds of abuses heaped on the prisoner.s Many died of malnutrition. People were beaten and abused for not working fast enough. I was getting to this part where I  work up for good

It was really cold in my apartment. I think that is the source of my nightmares. I seem to have vivid dreams when it is cold. I also have a hard time sleeping. Then I think the anxiety plays a part. I  was pretty anxious all day yesterday because I had to leave my apartment. At one point I seriously thought of canceling. But I told myself that I need to get money out of the bank to pay rent I need to do some shopping. I kept telling myself that and I forced myself to get ready

My case manager Billie came to pick me up at 12:50 yesterday afternoon. We had a nice talk. She asked me how I was doing. I said I was a anxious. She asked why i didn’t cancel. I said I kept telling myself that I need to take care of business. I said I had to force myself to get ready. She also asked how I was getting along with Anne. I said pretty good so far. Then she was talking about my therapist. She said that Bills surgery is scheduled for Tuesday. I said I hope he recovers .Then we were talking about finances.  She asked about the credit card. I said i sent them $80 this month. She said that was good. I said that should leave me with around $200 for groceries. She talked about using the Urban Mission this month. I said I do that this month I will go with Connie the van driver.,

We get to the bank first. I remember asking the teller how much I had in checking. She said $538 I said I wanted to take that all out. I also got a money order for m rent. Then I said that I should have a little bit more in checking. I asked for a transactions. I checked it out and Comcast for $155.80 went through. along with my credit card payment of $80. It turned out my balance was right.

Then we go to Gumby’s downtown. I bought three cartons of Deans menthol. I picked up Anne’s cigars. She only wanted one carton this time plus four small lighters. From there we went to the big bad Wal Mart.

I had a terrible time. By then I was very short of breathe and my knees were hurting. I was so short of breathe that I thought I couldn’t do it. I Anxiety was through the roof. It was especially bad at the deli for some reason. In the car I remember my case manager telling me that the Swiss chesse I buy at the deli is very expensive. She said one way I could cut back on groceries was get -package cheese. Well this is the kind that I like and I am going to buy it I said to myself. I waited in line for a long time,. Then it was my turn., I ordered a pound of Swiss cheese and a pound of chopped ham. I also got two pounds Supreme subs for supper.

I do not know how I survived Wal Mart but I got through it. I got the resent of my grocery items It came to $132 something. I was so glad when we finished shopping. From there she took me home I put the groceries away and called Anne.

I was so glad to see her. I was vwry tired. She talked about her finances this month., She said that she will have a lot of money left over. She wants to buy a microwave oven. She was kind of torn for saving money for community focus group or buying a microwave. I said for one thing you do not know if you are going this month. Your therapist has to sign off on that and he wont be back until April. I would get the microwave and save money for Elaine’s visit. She agreed with that .

She asked about how my day went. I said that I had a hell of time. She asked me what all I got at Wal Mart. I was thinking about that and I said I had a very high grocery bill.  I can’t remember what all I bought and the more I think about it the more it seems I didn’t get a lot for my groceries.

We talked for a while and then we had a an early supper. We had Dr Phil on but were not paying much attention. We watched part of a movie Godfather Part II She left around 6. I stayed up to watch NBC news and a little bit of Jeopardy. They I was pretty tired. I went to bed early last night