Passed Inspection

May 17,2018

Yesterday was inspection. I passed with flying colors. George Vargo, director of the Housing Authority, came to my apartment around 8;45 yesterday morning. He looked around and everything said everything was ok. He was very happy with the apartment.He said that I have a good worker . I had to sign some papers. One paper I signed was about the new smoking policy. They I misunerstood it. I thought that the smoking ban was going into effect immediately and I could no longer smoke in my apartment. I new the whole building was going smoke  free in August 1. I wanted to try to quit next month. I wasn’t prepaid for this so soon. i was a tad bit upset.

I should have been happy about passing inspection. I felt depressed and anxious all day. One of the major reasons why I felt so depressed was the caregiver situation. Understandably so Anne is still upset with Stephanie. She was really upset about the hack job Stephanie did on her hair. She was really upset about Stephanie unfriending her on FB and that FB message. Anne was upset that she cannot come to my apartment while Stephanie is providing services. She was talking to another worker named Monica about Stephanie. Monica works for the same agency and she did not have good things to say about my caregiver. She and Stephanie were taking care of another tenant in the building named Tom. According to Monica Stephanie was stealing from Tom. She was basicaly telling Anne that Stephanie could not be trusted about anything. She said that all my caregiver should do was come in and do her job.

I really felt depressed and anxious about this whole situation. I was torn. I wanted to be loyal  to Anne. I fired Stephanie over the FB message. Going back to WV Choice and getting Stephanie was the last thing I wanted. I felt I had no real choice. I needed somebody asp and she was the only worker available. I kept thinking that I had to get help for inspection. But in getting this one worker I felt as though I was betraying Anne. I felt as though I let her down and I felt very, very depressed and anxious about the whole fucked up situation.

Anyways I passed inspection and am good to go for another year if I am lucky enough to last that long. I am in more or less constant pain from arthritics. Some days are worse than others. One some days the pain in unbearable. Today for example the pain is not too bad. One a scale of one to five I would rate my pain as a two despite falling again. Dealing with this pain is another cause of depression. In the back of my mind I do not know what will happen. Perhaps I will need a hip/kn ee replacement soon. Perhaps I will end up in a nursing home or group home soon. I do not know. In the back of my mind I keep thinking that I do not have much longer living independently I kept thinking about this  and felt really anxious about my future and depressed at the same time.

I thought about a lot of things yesterday. It wasn’t all that long ago when I used to be fit. I was down to 178. I used to walk all over time. I used to go to the Millsopp  get on the exercise bike and go swimming. They had a hiking trail and I would hike on it. I would walk all the way up to the Pennsylvania state line. Now I am old and fat. I used to be independent and take care of myself fairly well. Now I need a caregiver. That thought alone made me very depressed. I felt as though I was  really going down the tubes and for a brief moment of time had some thoughts about chucking it all in. I would never act on those thoughts and I vow I will keep on going as I am for as long as possible.  What really worries me and what makes me so depressed was how much longer can I go on

I was also  thinking about finances. As I said in a previous entry my rent and Comcast bill is going up. I will be paying $242.00 a month in rent because I’m paying for a/c. Also, my cable bill is going up to $181.14 from $155.80. I am wondering where I will be getting this extra money. I spend about $45 on cigars a month., I said to myself I can quit smoking. This is easier said than done. I am a nicotine addict. But like I said this building is going smoke free and I will not longer have the money to -pay for cigars.  I planned on it in August. I will just jump the gun and stop nexty month. I wont buy suffer terrible withdrawal symptoms.

All of this shit was on my mind yesterday. It got me very depressed and anxious and I felt very bad about my whole situation.