Friday morning Feeling pretty miserable

I guess it is over for good. I saw her on OD and sent her a friend request. She left a note in my last entry and she is no longer on my friends list.  She is still pissed  about the Caregiver. She thinks I am happy with the Caregiver and no happy with her. She based this on what she read in my entries.  The truth is I am not happy at all. I haven’t had a good days since we broke up. I have written about having thoughts of suicide. How is this being happy?

I was very happy with my former fiance.  She is a wonderful woman. The only thing that didn’t make me happy was the break ups. I really felt horrible.  This is what has taken its toll.  I was hurt with each break up. But I’ve always taken her back because i love her so much.  I still love her.  I probably will always love her  I know in my heart  I will never want anyone else.

Hell with it. Hell with it all.  I am thinking now I am better off without anyone in my life. I have enough problems and issues as it is. I am too  screwed up  to be in a relationship.  I can just sit in my apartment with my books and music. I am thinking now the less people you have in your life the less bullshit  One thing for sure is I don’t have to put up with drama. Hell with it

Feel very depressed right now. I didn’t feel so hot yesterday afternoon. I was thinking about my former fiance and really missing her. I got very depressed.  I felt like shit over this whole mess. Felt very guilty because I thought this was all my fault and I can’t make things right.  Then I felt angry and very pissed off at the same time.  Tried to read but could not concentrate  I listened to some music for a while then laid down on the couch for the rest of the day.

By 4 in the afternoon I felt very drained  I didn’t feel up to eating supper. I didn’t fix anything. I just laid on my couch. Took my evening meds and went to bed early

Things looked pretty bad yesterday afternoon.  It was hard to keep  focused on the good things.  But I do have a lot of good  things to loo forward to Again they are :

1.  I have a roof over my head
2.  I have clothes to wear and food to eat
3.  I have money for meds and health insurance
4.  I am in fairly good physical health
5.  I have phone, Internet and cable tv
6.  I have plenty of books to read
7.  I  have a great case manager and therapist at Healthways
8.  I have an excellent caregiver
9.  I have an SSI and Social Security check.

I always think about these things when I think things are very bad. It helps me  realize that life isn’t so bad after all.