Am I really a mistake?

Last night, he told me he’s leaving me. Last night he told me coming back home was a mistake he got stuck in. He’s on a parole monitor and it comes off in 2 weeks, so guess what he’s leaving me. Go figure right, i was so stupid to think that things could change. 8 years of this on and off game and he still cant get it together. He texted me while getting high in the restroom that he didn’t want to hold me or lay with me because he “found stuff” out i did. I’m not going to say my past was perfect it isn’t by any means. I have done some stuff but when I was single on our so called breaks, while he was living with other women and moving on with his life. When I am with him im totally committed, I give up all forms of social medias and I focus on us and our family. He loves hisself and drugs more then he could ever love me. I see that, but why say such hateful things? Am i really not loveable? He says he has to be high to be around me, because I annoy him. I stopped talking, because I feel like if i am to speak I annoy him. He told me last night he was not going to lay with me, was not going to touch me. He told me hes leaving as soon as the monitor is off and that I am a mistake to be with he never should have been with me. I have been crying since 2 am I went to sleep crying, at 4:30 am he climbed into bed pulled me close to him and started kissing the back of my neck and holding me as tight as he could and fell asleep, I am completely broken and at my end. I hate feeling like this, he finally did it he broke me, Am i not loveable? Am i really so horrible that he can’t just be good to me? Am i a mistake? Is loving me a mistake? I give my all to him, everything. He doesn’t work I do. I support all of us financially, I work, go to college, take care of the kids, the house, the bills, i cook, i clean, i cut the damn yard. I have to beg him to do anything. This time was supposed to be different. I had hope this was it, he had his head on right we were going to make it work. My family was going to work. If i cry in front of him he says FUCK YOUR FEELINGS. if i mention that he’s hurting me he says fuck your feelings. He says everythings my fault, the reason he’s leaving is because I accuse him of cheating when he doesnt. I started accusing this man when I found a phone hiding in our restroom. When he said he deleted facebook, but he left his phone open and i saw all the messages to girls he had cheated on me with in the past telling them he loved them. When he would tell me he was going to go talk to a lawyer and disappear. I started accusing him when he started doing drugs and staying in the restroom for 12-13 hours locked away with TWO phones and stopped touching me. Am i crazy? is this my fault? i can’t stop crying i just want to go to sleep i dont want to feel any of this anymore.

Ashes to Ashes

I wouldn’t even know where to begin. This is too much to unpack 🤦🏻

5 replies

@ashestoashes i know it is, its overwhelming. I can’ figure out why its so hard to just walk away. I did counseling at one point for domestic violence, they said its a trauma bond. I dont understand any of it

@jjde0514

Most definitely a trauma bond. Thats the only explanation that makes any viable sense. I would first try working on your said esteem. People who tolerate this sort of treatment, always have low self esteem. Nobody deserves to be treated like this. It comes from not valuing yourself. I can relate in some sense. I suffer from low self esteem as well,and it’s a work in progress. It takes many years of therapy. I recently had what I would describe as a trauma bond as well. I was in a 9 year relationship that ended a few months ago after she cheated on me. She was extremely emotionally abusive throughout our relationship, very manipulative and I caught her in soo many lies. She was pretty much always trying to replace me. I tolerated it, because I have low self esteem, and because I had nowhere else to go. I was faithful to her and never would have cheated, but in the end, it didn’t matter. She cheated anyway. Now she’s with the guy she cheated on me with, and, like a fool, I am still friends with her. I have should tell her to kick ricjs, but I just havt bring myself too, especially because she was recently diagnosed with stage 3 breast cancer. So,in spite of what she did, I’m still here for her. Part of that is my character, part of just that I am a fool with low self esteem. I see much of that in you. I feel your pain. I really hope, for your sake,you’re able to heal from this toxic man.

@ashestoashes I am sorry you’re going through all of that. I do have low self-esteem, I used to not. He broke me down through the years, talked about my weight, couldn’t wear make up and every flaw i have on my body he pointed out. It broke me down. I dont even like taking pictures anymore. Yes, he has always tried to replace me or make me feel like im replaceable. Everything is always my fault never his. Even the drug use “i can’t be around you sober” smh. I just went to lay down to take a nap and he gets in bed trying to love on me, I got up and came back to the computer. It hurts to know this man I’ve given my entire being to , lies, manipulates and makes me feel like I am nothing, now says he’s not in love with me. How do you wake up and not love someone you “loved” for eight years? My hear breaks for you and for myself I need to get over this. I know the day he walks out it is going to hurt, but i dont know if it hurts more living in the same house with someone I know doesnt care for me anymore

@ashestoashes I responded to this and it says it didnt go through 🙁 I am sorry youre going through the same thing. I went to go take a nap right now and he rolled over trying to love on me, I got up and came back to the living room. What hurts more him gone, or under the same roof with someone who doesnt care about me or my feelings? I used to have self-esteem, he broke that by pointing out every flaw i have, my weight, my looks, my make up etc. Ive gone through more hell then anybody would ever tolerate…known him since we were kids. eight years and now he says hes not in love with me.

it’s definitely much better to leave than to stay living with someone who is incapable of loving you. Trust me, if I could go back in time, I would slap sense in to myself and would have left years ago. It simply isn’t worth the stress and the hit on your self esteem to stay in a situation like that. I had to learn the hard way. Never again!!!

Samantha Josephine

Good riddance to bad rubbish. It’s not you, it’s him. He is the loser bc you seem like an awesome person, and if he can’t see this? Tough beans.

2 replies

@cemeterydawn thank you

@jjde0514 Always. I’m Sammy btw.

rav diablo

Like I wrote in a previous post, you know what you have to do. Find a member of your family or a close friend to help. Write about it later; take action now.

i.am.will.i.am.

*HUGS*

The breaking up and getting back together thing is questionable, and just leads to resentment