Self confidence

First journal in a long time. My old one on here is long gone, Xanga hasnt and doesnt seem like their going to get their shit together to get their site running again. Lots and lots of memories, gone. Feelings, expression, thoughts. Good times, bad times, gone. But such is life. A lot has happened over the years which if I stick to this may come up in discussion. But not now.

I wish I wasnt so co-dependent on others. Especially those who I care very deeply for. With this girl who is so amazing and caring and sweet and so very good to me. I for some reason feel the need at least in my head that I need to hear from her to make myself happy. I cant just sit and relax and wait it out. Knowing that she is just probably busy or resting. Yet I put my stock in waiting to hear from her. Even if I try to keep myself busy and find something to do. Any time my phone goes off I am hoping it’s her. It’s hard. Hard being like this and trying so hard to be ok.

My therapist tells me I cant sit around an what for her to respond, talk and let me know what is or may be going on. and I know this. I try not to. But I would much rather stick to tentative plans that we had made because I want to see her much more than anything else. But I know I can constantly be like that. I cant put my life on hold all the time. Something I need to work on. What is meant to be will be.

So, yeah. I was kind of hoping this would help me some relieve the pressure of it but to no avail.  Maybe I’ll go try and lay down again and rest a little. Try to clear my mind with meditation and some incense. Til next time, if I stick to this anyways…. haha