knock and no one will answer

i find it hard to understand the world i live in i put a fake smile so people around me can think im find so they can think im not hurting i show up for every friend every family member but no one ever show up for me when i was been a molested i was told im a child i dont know what im saying when i was been rape i was called a liar when i was sick i was told I’m faking and now i can hold it together i have withdrawn from the world i dont wan to be around anyone i just want to sit down and and let it all but i cant why cause i have to be a parent a sister a daugther that friend you can always depend on im tried looking for ways to patch myself up i need help dealing with it all but why is help so hard everyone is so busy when it come to me its like i a robot to the people around me like i only visible when they need something from me even when i have nothing to give walks dont work anymore im lossing my mind and im afraid i lossing myself to the drakness the darkness i try to run from the darkness i have always knew how do i recover from this im so fra gone i guess i was only met to be on this earth to hurt and abuse nothing more nothing less im 33 and life was not and is not kind to me im ready rest in peace i come to realize that dead is my only peace only in dead will i rest