what’s today?

lately, when im surrounded by people, i feel so irritated that i can’t breathe.  i know its irrational and i tell myself to relax, but i can’t.  i feel miserable, and i act miserable, and all of the maturity that i’ve built during my first 5 semesters at college comes crashing down at my feet.  i surrender to my mood.  i let it radiate from my skin like a black aura stinging anyone who tries to get close.  all i can muster is a half smile, so people dont think im dead.

but then when im finally alone (how i thought i wanted to be) i get so painfully sad.  annoyed, sad, annoyed, sad..  god, make it stop.  i know that it has to do with changes.  (they’ve always made my thin skin crawl).  im still able to get surface-happy. like when i know i should be feeling happy, i can fool myself into portraying it.  and in the moment, i can laugh.  but it goes away, it always does. and then there’s this again.  most of the time, these hopeless moods are fleeting but its sticking this time, and im not sure what im supposed to do about it.

i can’t write anymore.  because i know how to supress the old dramatic tendencies that used to tag along with my sadness like a 4 year old to her mother. i still get inspired but i don’t write.  i dont think i remember how.. if i ever knew.  im all grown up.  and it sucks.