Only when I’m here

When I have obligations.. things I need to do.. I paralyze myself.

But when I need to relax… I can’t be still.

There’s some kind of desperation tugging at my skin.. begging me to break free of this unidentifiable feeling. It feels like.. nothing. I’m often so upset, and I don’t even know why. So then I lead my brain through a series of things that I should remember to be thankful for. I deny the thought that I have some kind of moderate depression that I JUST cannot pull myself out of. There, I said it. I just need some kind of motivation. I need to branch out and find the good in people, even when they make it hard. I need some kind of reason to be here. I need some kind of help, but I’m the only one who can help me. I need something familiar, something comfortable. Something that feels right, or at least okay. I need to be alone. And then again I need my sister and her refreshing points of view. I need Becky and her laughs, and Brian and his shoulder. I need my mom, because when she says “Jessica you’ll be alright” I believe her. I need a break. But don’t we all? I need to stop punishing my poor thighs with comfort food.

I NEED TO STOP CRYING FOR NO REASON.

Right now, if I were in my living room, on the couch, with my mom and sister, eating popcorn and making fun of the American Idol contestants, I think I could be a little revived. It’s all it would take right now. I need some sign of life.. some kind of feeling of belonging.

In my life I’ve been able to “belong” in St. Louis, St. Joseph, Illinois, Florida, and in some aspects, Butler.

What the hell is going on…

What the hell is wrong with me…

that I just can.not. do it.. here? and why on earth don’t I try?

i know how you feel…only i seem to come home after 5 day spans..butler no holy ground, but its home to me. and since weve graduated, dispite i was never born nor raised in saxonburg, i find it to be quaint and special now a days. like it holds all our memories. but lucky for you, you were from the beauitiful city of st. louis (i was there once, and stayed in the adams mark hotel, we would..

waltzing/back

January 22, 2005

wake up, get dougnuts at a corner store and go down on a hill across the hotel and eat them). it was so lovely there. we ate at a place called mark shannons, and i also met abraham lincon. odd really.. but your beauitiful, and i miss seeing your lovely face in school love,

Sweet Passion

January 23, 2005

i would do anything to make you laugh right now, and you know that i would because somehow i always do! i really do miss you, its hard not having you here and being able to drive 5 minutes if i need you, but if i do then i would have to drive an hour and a half, and you know my busy schedule right now and i can’t..i really wish i can come up soon. it’s getting close to when I can tho….

things should start slowing down in the next couple weeks cuz i’ll be minusing an activity-cheerleading. and i tried calling off on the weekends! just so i can be with you. i understand how you are feeling, it would be so hard to be away from the people you love and the ones who make you happy. remember 99 more days. you’ll be free! i cannot wait. i miss my jessa, more than ever. i love you

and remember, you can do it. from day one i told you i had faith in you. you are wonderful and i wish i was as wonderful as you. but not everybody gets that lucky. keep your head up girl you know i love you and i’m here for you every step of the way no matter how far away i am. cheer up and you’ll make it. love you! so entirely much:)

Epiphany23

January 24, 2005

i know i cant stand in for everyone… but i sure do try. i tell you time and time again that you are my comfort here. you’re so important to me. i just can’t cut it all the time… and im sorry. i know i must be frustrating, and along with your work and missing home it can become to much to take… but there are good times. i wouldnt give those up for the world. you can always talk to me..

I LOVE YOU WITH EVERYTHING I HAVE!! and i do my best to fill in… that beers comin off the wall… slowly but surely… my biggest fear is losing you once you leave this place for good. kisses from across the room

after the movies

January 30, 2005

i have a pretty good explanation. cos johnstown is the worst thing that’s ever happened to any of us. god took a sh*t on johnstown, and it rains every f*cking day. the campus police bust everyone every chance they get (i know as well as anyone), and it’s just a depressing place in general. but we all feel the same, don’t forget that. hang in there, and stop down sometime.

ive never heard anyone say my views are refreshing… weird maybe but not refreshing! We have the same views but if u really want miiiine u can always talk to me on IM and now thanx to my valentines present… u can text me! =] The years almost over and no matter how much u say u wont, u’ll miss UPJ… especially bringing me cookies! I miss u so much! Mom doesnt understand how i get so much fun

of stupid things like u do! I cant wait until we’re older and either live together or are neighbors with a connecting hall! lol i dunno wut i’d do without u seester!!! i love yew so much! -louy-