float on, alright

I feel like I owe some kind of better entry, (or at least part-of-an-entry) to Johnstown than I’ve given it in the past.   When I go home, I might even be nostalgic for this place, with its familiar hall-mates, its cafeteria with the crazy music, the way it looks outside when the sun is shining and students are laying in the grass or playing basketball… my room..  my room mate… my swans (my girls)…   my engineering boys (female engineer.. what IS that?!)..   my rick-and-dan (crazy ‘cleople’)…   my aerobics girls…   my frat buddies…   my way-high bed..   my home away from home.  (Sorry, this entry is mostly to help me remember.. you know?)

I’ve felt like a different person the past month or so.. different than I’ve ever been, and it doesn’t feel like a phase.  I feel strong and grown up.. I feel independent, and right.  I feel like I’m in the right place at the right time, with the right people.  I feel like there are a billion people backing me, no matter what stupid things I do or say.  I feel like a snake that just shed its skin.. a little exposed and sensitive, but new and fresh at the same time.

I was kicked in the heart and fell hard to the ground, but when you’re that low, the only way to go is up.  I don’t know if I have ever been that confused in my entire life.. my support.. my companion.. my other half.. was ripped from under me, and I had never felt so sick.  I never felt so broken, and unfixable. But when the smoke cleared I was so far from where I thought I was… yeah I was so far from alone.   So with grass stains on my knees and my hands scraped from my landing, I’ve brushed myself off this time.  And towards the end of my 19th year, I’m starting to feel like a young person.  I’m ready to get out there and make mistakes so I can fix them… I’m ready to let my hair down.  I think I want it long again. 

I have 8 days left as a Johnstown student.   April 29th is move-out day.. the day I will have my last final.. the day my mom will most likely chase me all the way back to Butler trying to rip out my tiny nose piercing.  May 7th is when Stef and I ARE getting together with our gangsters (who i will miss, 3 minutes into summer) .  Oh, this year has been an amazing experience.. one that I wouldn’t trade for anything.  I learned more about myself this past year than I had my first 18, total.  I’ve stressed a lot, I’ve worked a lot, I’ve hurt a lot, I’ve cried a lot, I’ve laughed a lot,  I’ve partied a lot, I’ve regretted a little, I’ve loved a lot, and I’ve learned a lot.

Oh, and I’ve eaten a lot.  But that’s another story. Anyway.

And in my pocket are nickles and dimes

              From that night we drank a lot 

I think I might love it sometimes…

             This crazy, precious life I’ve got.