emptied eyes

The tan lines on my fingers from the rings you gave me are slowly fading away with each passing sunset.   I’ve taken them off for good.. and they sit cold in the dark, held captive in the tiny drawers on top of my bathroom sink at home.  Over the past 4 years they’ve been through so much with us, and they can finally be laid to rest.  Your smiling pictures are in the second drawer of this desk.. I can’t stand to see you smiling at me like that anymore.   When my phone rings at night it is no longer your voice on the other end.

I am no longer held responsible for knowing what is going on in your daily life.  I have no idea how your ever-problematic blazer is, how your dog is, how your room mate is, or how many times you’ve smashed your fingers at work today.   I will no longer greet the 3 freckles on your cheek that I gave names to, and I will no longer kiss them goodnight.  I will no longer scratch the gel out of your hair, or rub your shoulders when you’re sore.. it will be someone elses business. 

This summer we will not walk hand in hand through the carnival, and we will not hang out in front of your dad’s store and talk to people.  I will not be accompanying you to car shows, or to the movies when the latest romantic comedy has hit the box office.   I will not be held on the broken bed of your little house with the candles burning and the humidifier dripping us to sleep.  I will not be going to your family picnic this year, and your aunts and uncles will not grin from ear to ear when they see me.   Your dad won’t call me Jessiebaby, or his girlfriend, and he will not give me hugs when he sees me.  Your mom probably won’t wear the scarf that I spent 4 hours crocheting for her with eyelash yarn for christmas.

We will not go quad riding in the snow, or lay out under the stars on a blanket behind your house.  You said you’d be my hero, but you will not.  I will not squeeze your hand twice to tell you I love you anymore. 

With each passing sunrise I’m healed a little bit more, and I know my life will fall into place, because good things happen to good people.   My life as I know it for the past 4 years is over, and I feel that I’ve lost a best friend, but I’ve done that before, and I’ve lived.  The tan lines on my fingers are fading away with the person I thought you were.

So here’s a toast, to a 4-year learning experience… that changed our lives forever.  Goodnight Brian Carl Wise.  It’s been something.