8/21/06

My mom closed her eyes while i was driving today, for just a second.  I know that doesn’t seem like a big deal, but she’s one of those people who has to be in control of any given situation or she freaks out, so being ‘trusted’ made me feel kinda like a responsible 20 year old young woman, taking her mom to dinner–instead of, you know, me.  "I gotta admit.. you’re driving skills have greatly improved" she laughs.  Yeah you haven’t ridden with me since i was like, 17, motherrr.   I kicked aside the little voice in my head telling me she was right.  I did suck a little bit.   driving isn’t for the timid by nature.  i can’t believe i just called myself timid.  oh well, it stays.

They’re really moving.  In a couple weeks, they’re really moving to St. Louis, and I’m staying at Pitt, at least for Fall semester.. to see how things go.  The thought of only seeing my mom and sister once or twice from early August until Christmas makes me a little sick.  They’ve both always been such huge factors in my life, my happiness.  We’re ridiculously attached to each other.  Maybe this is what it will take for me to accept that final push into maturity.  Or maybe it will just make me really, really sad.  Either way, it’s what I’m doing, and I’ll do what I can to make the best of it.

Sometime over this past summer, some of life’s truths walked up to me and smacked me across the face. Childhood fades away in gentle. subtle stages.  From the first time you realize that the person playing peek-a-boo with you really DOESN’T disappear and reappear from behind their hands, experience turns to intelligence–new perspectives.  First there’s no Santa Claus (that one was a bitch), then your dreams of becoming a lead dancer in a prestigous ballet company become less and less realistic. Then you realize, my God, highschool really doesn’t last forever, and now I have to start planning out how to live my days like an adult on my own.  You learn that laundry doesnt magically wash and fold itself.  You learn that meals dont spontaneously prepare themselves. (Who’d have thought..?!) Necessities have to be shopped for, gas has to be paid for, and credit cards arent as cool as they were when you didn’t know or care how they were being paid off.  You learn that sometimes, you have to crash, all the way down, before you can begin to heal. 

I did that yesterday, after things had just piled up way too high.  Today i’m kicking through all the rubble and very slowly making my way towards the wide open field where I landed.  And I can’t, for the life of me, picture what it’s going to look like when I get there.  But it will be better than this.  I’m counting on that, after this stupid emotional crash.  This mess.

But at least I know my mom trusts me not to crash now. She closed her eyes.