8/11/06

i dont think i’ve ever felt more lost.

never more in need of answers.  answers to huge questions.. important ones.  fast answers.  when you were a kid, did you have a sit n’ spin? that round-seated toy with the "steering wheel" in the middle… you know?  i used to sit cross-legged on mine and spin until my world felt like it was tipping off its axis.  these days, my world does that all on its own.

i have all the pieces… a sharp mind, four working limbs, a heart with the best of intentions, and a will that won’t quit. what i don’t have, it seems, is the confidence to make the decisions that need to be made within the next…  well, very soon.  i could go to st. louis.  i could take a semester off and work.  i could stay a physical therapy major.  then again.. i could change that.  again.  i could stay here but lose my family.. my sister.  (the source of about 75% of the times i’ve laughed in my life). maybe it would be good for me.   maybe it’d be awful.  maybe i shouldnt worry so much, but i kind of have to..  because i have to decide.  on my knees, hoping someone will throw some answers into my open palms, knowing the only person who can actually make this decision is me.  little me.

im being pulled in two VERY different directions.  pulled very hard both ways.

stay     we would miss you too much

go     we would miss you too much

stay      what about pitt together?

go       what about your mini-me, seeeeeester?

stay       all your friends are here

go       you were born there.. your entire family is there

stay     you might as well finish school where you started!

go        if you’re doubting PT, it’s the perfect time to start over

stay       because clearly, it’s the right decision jess

go        because clearly, it’s the right decision, jessica

stay      but ultimately, you know it’s up to you

go         so just do what you want to do.

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ha…

fuck being 20.