11/2/04

No decent entry ever begins with the thought:  okay what the hell am I going to put in here.  But I feel like writing anyways.  Sometimes it helps me sort things out. 

I know I said I was different.  I’m really not all that different… I was acting different, but sometimes that comes with depression and that empty feeling of hopelessness.. aimlessness.. helplessness.   Engineering is a challenge for me, and I think that has a lot to do with it.   I’m swamped, buried alive, up to my neck.  But all that doesn’t mean that I don’t have my releases.  It’s taking me a long time to trust people here.  I have a hunch that this is the right way to go about it, but it still feels cynical.  UPJ is beautiful, really.  The trees are beautiful, everything in my dorm is new and it looks like a ski-lodge.  It’s cozy and friendly.  Did I mention the tress are beautiful? 

If only I liked trees.

Sometimes my existence aches for the sound of impatient traffic.  My stride yearns for a hard concrete walkway and the click click click sound of the driven women who get up an hour early to get beautiful, slipping on high-heeled pumps before hurriedly running out the door with lipstick and a cigarette in one hand, a purse and jacket in the other.

If you wear jeans here, people raise an eyebrow and ask why you’ve decided to get dressed up. It’s simple, wearing pajamas all day makes me want to sleep.  lay off bitches. 😛

I have dark, dark brown hair now.  I think it suits me better.  I did it on an impulse.  It was stupid of me to do it right now because I’m going through this thing where I don’t want to be looked at, and naturally, when you do something like that, you get attention.  Comments.  OMG’s. Keep them, because my hair is one thing I can control (well, kindof) in my life right now, and I don’t care what they think or say, I did it for me..because I felt like it.

In the past couple years I’ve made so many mistakes. I wish I could say I was learning.  Am I learning?  Yeah, but am I doing anything about it..? Being a good, moral, hardworking, optimistic person used to come so naturally.  Now getting out of bed is a struggle and the rest is even harder.  I just want to make it though this.  I just want to be a good person.  I just want to have a purpose.

But don’t we all.

Goodnight