ummm yeaa….

So. JHU was supposed to have been making decisions about readmission in the second week of November. I still haven’t heard anything, and it’s almost December. I’ve emailed my advisor at JHU, but in the meantime, I’ve already applied to MontCo.

At this point… I don’t even know what I want. There’s a part of me that is desperately, desperately hoping that JHU will take me back. And there’s another part of me that’s secretly, quietly hoping they’ll say no. I love Hopkins, I love Baltimore, and I love all my friends down there. But… I just don’t feel like I belong there anymore. And the things that I want to do with my life–I don’t feel that I can accomplish there. Of course, I’m not entirely certain that I can accomplish them here either, but at least its a change of venue.

Or rather… its an unchange. JHU was a change. Of all my little circle of friends that I graduated with, I think I went the farthest away to school. And damn if I’m not just coming back anyway. Oh well.

So now, where to? The community college. I remember my whole life, I had this mindset engrained into me to snub people who went to community college. I want to say it came from my parents, but that doesn’t make sense, because neither of them went to college. I know my dad regrets not finishing college though. And it’s almost like he has something to prove to all our cousins that did. Like he’s trying to live his dreams through me. I think he’s afraid that I’ll become like him… dropping out of college after only a year or two and then working my ass off my whole life just trying to make ends meet. To the point that when I actually do get a good, decent-paying job, I won’t be able to reap any of the benefits of it because I’m so far in debt that I can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel.

*deep breath* I didn’t mean to go on a tangent mini-rant. And now I forget what my point even was. I know I was going to say something about how I definately won’t fit in at MontCo… I mean, come on. You only need a 500 on each section of the SAT’s to be exempt from the math and reading placement tests. Please. I scored over 500 on each section when I was in the 7th grade. Buuutttt… at least I’ll be going back to school. And I can go to MontCo for a couple semesters and then transfer to a real school.

And believe it or not, even just looking at the course listings got me excited for school again. I want to go back to school. I want to sit in a classroom, and read books, and write essays… I actually want it.

My parents would laugh. My friends would laugh. I never did homework, never wanted to, that’s why I’m in this situation to begin with. But when something is taken away from you by force, you realize just how precious it is. I want this. I need this.

Dammit, I need to learn to write a good conclusion. THE END (for now)