stream of {un}conciousness

disclaimer: this is an actual stream of conciousness, unplanned, unedited, thoughts written down as they come to me… coherence is not guaranteed

I haven’t cried in awhile.

It’s a full moon. Somebody told me today that the full moon can actually induce PMS-like symptoms in people. I guess I’m living proof.

I don’t know why, but I’ve just within the last hour and a half or so become very depressed. I came on here originally then, to write about how I just wanted someone to hold me, and then I realized what time of month it was (no not THAT, I mean the full moon) and I get this way around the moon a lot.

blue mooooooonnnnnnn

Alone. Utterly alone is how I feel. It’s incomprehensible. I shouldn’t feel this way. Touch. A hug, a kiss; they make me feel better. I think it’s the existential depression thing again.

And my boyfriend (yes it’s official now, I suppose, although I’m not quite certain when that happened) was being extra weird tonight too. I guess I’m not the only one subject to the moon’s effects. Somehow that doesn’t really make me feel better.

There is a woman I’ve talked with, on occasion. She is a psychic. You scoff. There’s not really anyway to make you believe withough having experienced it for yourself. I do not know her. She knows and I mean KNOWS that which she should not/ could not possibly know. But she told me, “you need to get away from this man who puts you on roller coasters in your tummy.” Not knowing the doubts I’ve been having, or the current situation. Not even knowing that I’ve recently been subject to bouts of jealousy that send me up and down again…

Beware, my lord, of jealousy. For it is the green-eyed monster that doth mock the meat it feeds upon

My immediate thought and immediate response, however, was “which man? every man who’s ever been in my life has kept me on a roller coaster.” It’s like going to Dorney Park, and going on Talon over and over again to the point of literally, physically being sick, and then jumping right onto Steel Force right afterwards.

I think he reminds me of the guys I’ve been with. Sometimes I see one thing, or another, or he’ll say or do something, and all of a sudden it’ll make me think of someone else. And sometimes its something I loved about one person, but sometimes its something I hated about another. All the more reason to be on a roller coaster.

Worse yet, I think I’m falling. But is that such a bad thing, honestly?

But I’ve been jaded.
j-j-j-jaded.. and i’m the one that jaded you

I used to think love was enough. Love was all you needed, and everything would work out in the end.

all you need is love a girl has got to eat!

Now I know what a royal crock of shit that is. I thought Billy (I don’t think you know him–I’ve written of him a couple of times, but not certain if I ever named him) would work out. I thought Ryan would work out. And then I thought that Jim would work out. I still almost sorta kinda have this tiny tiny tiny little speck of hope for that last one, but not really. So what do I have to make me believe this will be any different? I’ll go back to school, and things will happen; life will happen; and we’ll just……………….
right?

love is just a game

I wrote of my relationship with Jim a couple months ago, “I can’t live my life 700 miles away.” I don’t think that I actually believed it at the time that I wrote it. At the time that I wrote it, I was rationalizing. Its different when the tables are turned. I see the end before the beginning. I’m falling but haven’t fallen yet. There’s still time to stop it before I get hurt. hurt myself. Because that’s what it always is anyway, isn’t it? It’s just me doing/thinking/saying a bunch of dumb things that set me up for heartache. I do it to myself. I don’t know why. I can’t explain why.

I’ve lost all hope, all faith in love.

what’s love but a second-hand emotion… who needs a heart when a heart can be broken

*sigh* i was supposed to go to bed early tonight. I’m exhusted.

And I still haven’t cried yet.

i’m all cried out over yoouuuuu