ramble bamble

“To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering one must not love. But then one suffers from not loving. Therefore to love is to suffer, not to love is to suffer. To suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To be happy then is to suffer. But suffering makes one unhappy. Therefore, to be unhappy one must love, or love to suffer, or suffer from too much happiness. I hope you’re getting this down.” ~ Woody Allen

Some of you know, and some of you may not… but this week I will be going to see Jim for the first time in two months. *excitement!!* (obvs)… but I am sort of having mixed feelings about this… See, the last time I saw him, he was still my boyfriend. So much has changed… and obviously *we* won’t be the same… or will we? Allegedly we’ve gone back to the way it was before the ‘official declaration’. But now that I think about it… the difference between when we were dating before, and after, we became ‘boyfriend/girlfriend’ isn’t really any difference at all. The way we acted towards each other wasn’t any different, because we’d already built up a certain repitoire. The chemistry was there. The everything was there. So going back.. theoretically, nothing’s changed. I can only hope.

Earlier this evening I was chatting with a friend about what is mentioned above and he asked me, “Exactly how do you feel about him?” and without even thinking before typing it I said “I love him. I would go to the end of the earth and back for him. If he asked me tomorrow to give up my entire life and run away and marry him, I absolutely would without a second thought, and without looking back.” And I began to cry. Because I know that it’s 150% true. And that scares me. Especially after seeing Carlini and Dale breakup which I don’t think anyone foresaw… It scares me to think that, much like Carlin, I am trusting my heart to someone, hoping they won’t break it, but it could be instantly shattered to a million pieces. It scares me to think that I am so devoted to Jim to be prepared to give up everything for him; and while he may have felt the same at one point, he may no longer feel the same way. The worst part with me though, is I have nothing to base my devotion on. Carlin and Dale… at least they had a commitment to each other. Carlini had no reason to think that her boyfriend of almost two years would break up with her suddenly and unexpectedly. At this point…. I have nothing. I am basing my love and devotion on a blind hope that maybe someday we’ll be able to be together again. I know that’s probably not healthy, but I can’t help it.

As I told Carlini when she asked if she was stupid for wanting him back and trying to get him to come back… love makes you do stupid crazy things. I love him.. I want him back… and I would do anything to get him back. Even something as crazy as abandoning my family, my home, and my job.

“True love is when you care so much about someone that you would die for them, and they care so much about you that they’d never ask you to.”