perhaps not so bad

“Our patience will achieve more than our force.” ~Edmund Burke

So he and I talked some more today, after I wrote the previous entry (not sure if he read it or not though, but thats besides the point—see previous entry if you are confused). And I’ve realized now that perhaps its not as bad as I originally thought it was going to be. For some reason, I was under the impression that deciding to not be together on a boyfriend/girlfriend type basis would mean not together at all– the type of breakup that I’m accustomed to. But really, its like we’re not really breaking up at all… we’re just slowing down–actually backing up. Going back to the way things were before we decided to make it ‘official.’ The idea is that we won’t feel as pressured to try to make a long-distance relationship work. Not as much pressure to spend “X” amount of time on the phone, or make sure we talk once every so many days, or see each other every so often. Instead, it will be as it was before… if we talk, we talk… if we see each other, great. But if we don’t, no big deal–sad, but not devastating. Of course, after everything we’ve been through, I doubt we (read: me, in particular) will find much ease in completely reversing the course of what we’ve already begun. Because, you see, when we first started dating, before I was sure that anything would come of it, I was guarding myself against a lot of things–trusting too much, falling in love, and getting hurt. But now, I’ve already let my guard down. He already has my trust. He already has my heart. I think I may have already fallen. Those aren’t just things you can forget about. Those aren’t just things you can take back. Perhaps its true what he says. Perhaps we moved to fast. Perhaps we tried to force it to work even when we knew it would be hard, and might not work; although apparently, until about a week ago, I was the only one who knew, being as he was too blinded by (love? lust? infatuation?) to see what I had already seen. But now we’re already halfway there. Ironic isn’t it? The reason we committed to begin with was because we cared so much about each other. And now the reason we’re slowing down, backing up is because we care so much about each other. It’s incredibly unfair. I guess I was right before–about the right person at the wrong time… but maybe we can hold on this way until it is the right time. I hope.