let me say this, then i’ll be done

Each successive time you’re swept off your feet, the harder it is to stand back up.

I did something last night, that I should not have done. It, in fact, was on my list of things “not to do.” Right next to “Thou shalt not talk to Jim” was “Thou shalt not read Jim’s blog.” But I was bored last night… clicking things, browsing the net, and I ended up at one of my friend’s blogs. It just so happened that this friend uses the same site that I knew Jim used. The little icon made me think of him, and I thought, “What could it hurt? I’ll just do a quick look to see what he’s been up to in the last month or so.” So, I brought up his site. Right at the top, a title “Jim’s big news.” Big news? I thought, as I continued to scroll down and read. Suddenly my eyes rested on a single sentence, and my heart stopped. Literally. Stopped.

“I’m getting married!” it said. While trying to catch my breath, I reread it a couple times to make sure I read it correctly. Further down the page it had date and time details, and I knew it had to be true. I opened up my IM immediately (I had already logged off for the night). First I added Jim’s name back to my list, because if I could, I wanted to talk to him. He wasn’t online though. I scanned my buddylist for someone that I could talk to, because I knew I couldn’t just go to bed without talking to anyone. Ren was online, so I talked to her for a bit. Within the next 2 and a half hours, I had told anyone and everyone that would listen and sympathize. Meanwhile, I had clicked “Add comment” to leave a note on his blog. I had typed in the box “i would say congratulations, but i can’t help but feel like it should be me ~ you know who” and was going to leave it unsigned. But I realized that that’s not like me, and I’d probably end up regretting it later.

Almost all of my friends advised me against calling him, even though I desperately wanted to. But they brought up a good point… what would I say to him? Congratulations?

carlinifediccini: do you really mean congratulations
rahrah24seven: no i really mean ‘it should have been me you stupid worthless asshole’
rahrah24seven: can i say THAT? 😀
carlinifediccini: yes
carlinifediccini: but ur not actually allowed to communicate with him
carlinifediccini: *sadly*
rahrah24seven: oh

I think the thing that hurt the most, was that I didn’t even find out from him directly. I found out because I randomly checked his blog. Had I not done that… it could have been weeks… months before I found out. I realize we’ve been through a lot, and I did tell him that I didn’t want to talk to him for awhile but… I thought he at least cared about me enough that he would tell me something like that. Apparently I gave him too much credit. I did have this idea in my head that I could be friends with him again, but after this, I just don’t know. I may just have to let it go.

Against my better judgement, and your advice, I sent him an email.

To: Jim
From: Me
Subject: (none)

Jim,

There’s about a million things that I’d like to say right now, but I know none of them will come out right. So instead, just let me say congratulations, and I wish you both all the happiness in the world.

Always,
Jen

I’m not expecting a response. Expect nothing, and you can never be disappointed, right?

Wow, this was supposed to be a rant, and then I realized I really didn’t have anything to rant about. That’s progress, right?

I am officially done.

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