i could cry

First of all, Happy Valentine’s Day to everyone, and no, the fact of what today is has nothing to do with tears or any shedding thereof.

That having been said.

*Deep breath* *sigh* (warning: this is long)

When I first got on campus a couple weeks ago, one of the first things I did was go to the financial aid office, because I knew that the aid I did have wasn’t going to cover anything. My aid officer was able to give me a subsidized loan and told me that to apply for the unsubisdized version of the same loan (as an additional measure), my parents would first have to apply for the PLUS loan, and be denied. We all already knew they’d be denied because of the bankruptcy, but JHU needed the paperwork that said so. Fine.

So last week my mom calls me and tells me that she got something in the mail from the PLUS lender, letting her know that her application had been denied, so I figured that soon Hopkins would have the same letter, and eagerly awaited an email from my aid advisor letting me know that she’d recieved the paperwork and the loan had been applied, and everything would be honky dory. Thursday of last week, the new billing statement was posted online, cheerfully letting me know that I owed about $4500 more than I thought I did (over $5000in total) because apparently when I had asked the people in student accounts how much I still owed, they told me how much tuition I owed, but failed to count in my housing, a fact that I was unaware of. (because my bill had not previously been posted online because of all the bullshit I had to go through when I came back to school, but I digress).

So needless to say, with that information in mind, and the fact that I hadn’t heard back from my aid advisor, I decided to make a trip to the financial aid office today. Come to find out when I got there that my aid advisor doesn’t even work here anymore!! She took a job at another school, and I’d need to be reassigned! Fucking A! She was already my second aid advisor, that I knew of (but other than at the beginning of last year I didn’t have much problems with my aid, so I didn’t have much contact with the F.A. office–so I very well could have had others assigned to my case in the interim).

ANYWAY,
I ended up talking to the Associate Director of Financial Aid. She told me that the PLUS notification had been recieved, and she applied the loan. But, come to find out, I’m only eligible for about $2500. *deep breath* So that would still leave almost $3000 dollars that I had no clue where it was coming from. I felt tears start coming to my eyes. Now that I think about it, I end up crying just about every time I’m in that office. It’s just so hard to get people to understand what it feels like to know you don’t have any money. I’m not poor, by any means… but I know what it’s like to wonder if you have enough to sustain yourself until the next paycheck. I’ve seen my parents have to make decisions between ‘are we going to pay the mortgage, or are we going to go grocery shopping?’ and ‘well its either the telephone bill or the water bill, we can’t do both this month.’ That is something that I don’t think ANY child should ever have to go through, which ironically is part of why I’m at this school to begin with. But back to the story…

She examined the computer for a few more minutes before saying, “Well that’s the expected family contribution, is where that figure’s coming from.”
“Oh,” I said, casting my eyes downward, knowing that my family didn’t have anything to contribute.
“Isn’t your family contributing anything?” she asked. I know she didn’t mean it too, but it sounded condescending. Barely choking back tears I said, “My family doesn’t have anything to contribute. They just… don’t have the money.”
“But what about last year?” she continued. I ended up explaining the whole situation of the bankruptcy suit, still blinking back tears, and trying, unsuccessfully, to hold back a waiver in my voice.

“Just a minute,” she said, and left the office to go talk to the other Associate Director. A few minutes later she returned. After moving a few things around, she was able to add some money to my grant. “Okay,” she said, “Now you only owe about $93.” I smiled weakly and thanked her. “$93 is a lot better than $5000, but…” I trailed off. I was expecting some of the money to be cash payout, much like last year. I do have a little money–credit they’ve given me against one of my loans, when at the beginning of the semester I had given them my sob story about how I didn’t have any money for books. But it was put on my “J-card” which can only be used at select locations. After the $300 I spent on books that I *had* to purchase at the bookstore (since I couldn’t very well use my J-card on amazon.com) I only have a couple hundred for food for the entire remainder of the semester. Unless of course I get another loan, or a job, or both. (hoping for loan, really don’t want to have to have a job when I’m still trying to get back on my feet academically, but must talk to mom, b/c apparently we got a private loan last year)

Just got off the phone with mom. She, of course, is urging me to get a job, even just a couple hours a week, and also informed me that I could get a loan myself now (I forgot that the reason I couldn’t get it myself before was because at the time I entered school I was under 18). She also told me that my credit card company just sent a notice in the mail that my credit limit has been increased to $900 (previously $150). Needless to say, thats a little extra breathing room. (Although it doesn’t really do much good to have credit when you don’t have the means to pay it back… but at least I know its there if I do need it). *deep breath* I guess things are looking a little better now. 🙂