happy birthday to me

well it started out ok… and i suppose in the grand scheme of things, it ended well as well (minus the hangover, of course :-P) to start off, on thursday at practice, the girls and mario and roy sang happy birthday to me, and roy practically gave me a lap dance– i was very amused… then afterwards, kate, dave, dom and i went to papermoon for midnight appetizers.. just as we were finishing i got sent a mystery piece of cheesecake– it was awesome… then on friday, we went to the buttered niblets show, and met up with seth, joe, jesus, dan, whitney, etc… and afterwards we went party hoppin… the first two were house parties, which kinda sucked, but then we ended up at sigma alpha mu (aka sammy) and when the party died, we just chilled w/ some of the brothers there. then on saturday my parents and sisters came down… my parents surprised me by bringing jm, car, and ryan w/ them. i was so unbelievably happy to see them, but i was kinda disappointed that i had to spend most of the day cheerleading :-(… before the game, my squad sang to me *again* and gave me a card and a half-dozen longstem roses, and i found out that nancy was the one that sent me the cheesecake at papermoon… after the game, me, the fam, and the friends went out to dinner at old country buffet and they gave me my presents there… after we got back to the dorm they left… i chilled out for a lil whiles and then me and kate went to Piketoberfest– one of the biggest parties that pike (pi kappa alpha) has all year… anyway i didn’t get that drunk, but i think that i may have used the drinking in part to excuse myself for doing things that i knew i should feel guilty for.. ie: making out with random boys while i had a boyfriend… anyway, today ryan called me, and we talked about some things, and we’ve broken up for real this time… no more getting back together at all for us… but its actually kind of good in a way… carlini tells me that i shouldn’t feel guilty about cheating on him b/c if he were a better boyfriend, then i wouldn’t have had the desire to cheat on him… which when i think about it, i suppose its true… she also says that he “cheated” on me with books and technology… which again, i suppose is true…i’ve actually done quite a bit of thinking in the past few hours, and i realize that i came to almost the same conclusion myself yesterday before talking to anyone about it… that is, i came to the conclusion that part of the reason that i was doing the things that i was doing was that i felt starved for attention from the opposite sex, in large part because i didn’t get any from my boyfriend… and on many many occasions i’ve made the excuse for him that since he never had a girlfriend before, he didn’t know *how* to be a good boyfriend… but i also realize now that that’s not good enough of an excuse… there have been so many times that i or dale or someone else made a suggestion to him, that if he had taken, it would have made him a better boyfriend… in hindsight, i realize that i deserve better– i’m just sorry that i allowed myself to fall in love and become so involved that even though i know this is for the better, it still hurts… i’m trying to be optimistic and think that if we’re meant to be together, we’ll find a way somehow, someday… but i know that it could never be unless he changes… theoretically, there shouldn’t even be a reason for us to break up now– if he had put more effort into the relationship, we could have made it work… i mean just look at carlin and dale– they don’t really see each other any more often than ryan and i do. the difference is that alex makes time for her… he treats her like she’s *the* most important thing in his life– as well she should be. i have *never* *EVER* felt that way around ryan .. i have never felt like i was more important than anything, even when he told me directly that i was… be it boy scouts, church, family, band, drama, homework, etc… it seemed like he never actively made time for me… we only went out when it was convienient… he only called when i begged him to… carlin’s right… i need to find someone who will make me feel special– someone who won’t leave me with the desire to find affection elsewhere…

peace,
~jen

dafishey: love is a whispered word that holds people together against the storm of reality
–yes my dear, but love *alone* is not enough– it is necessary to recognize the storm, face the storm, and fight the storm to the death if thats what it takes