geez…

i just feel so out of it and depressed, and yet i feel like i can’t vent these feelings to anybody, first of all because there’s no one here that i trust enough or know well enough to talk to about shit like this, and also it seems like everyone else (ie: my friends from home) are having problems that are way worse than mine, and it just makes me feel petty and stupid… unfortunately that doesn’t make *me* any less depressed, and i don’t even know *what* it is that i’m depressed about anymore!! goddammit… i love it here, and at the same time i hate it here… i love that there’s no one telling me what to do 24-7, and yet i hate having to think for myself all the time… i love the freedom of not having a boyfriend, and yet i hate not having someone to hold me and kiss me… i love the city, and yet i hate the feeling of not knowing anybody… i love everything, and i hate everything… i wanna come home, but i don’t want to leave here…

i guess the biggest thing bothering me right at this moment is that i have no clue what’s going on with me and ryan… part of me thinks that its better this way, but at the same time, it doesn’t feel like anything’s changed between us…and everything i do or say, or even the movies i’ve been watching lately–everything– reminds me of him, and the way we were, and the way we *could* be…

and i still am just so confused, with school and activities, and everything else, i really don’t have that much time to myself… if i’m not studying, in class, or at practice or some other meeting, i’m trying to catch up on sleep, or make sure that i don’t starve myself to death… everyone says that you have more free time at college than in high school, which i suppose is true, once i take into account how much naptime i get, but i just feel so pressured… and i’m starting to wonder if i should have chosen a different major… i mean, i like most of my classes, but i can’t stand physics, and i really need to understand these basic physics principles for a lot of engineering stuff… and i love calculus, but its just going so fast, and i’m having trouble grasping a lot of the newer concepts that we didnt cover in high school, like reduction formulas, and polar coordinates, and integration by parts, and special substitution… and we went over *all* of that just within the first two weeks!! oh god, and i have my first physics mid-term on tuesday, and i haven’t done better than a 50% on any of the homework, and supposedly exams are like way harder than homework, and i never had to study for *anything* in high school… i just *got* stuff, and its so wierd not being able to just look at something and get it!! and i keep telling myself not to worry, b/c everyone’s going through the same thing, and everything’s curved, and all the classes are pass/fail the first semester… but i just can’t help stressing!! ugh…

i really ought to write this paper that i have due tomorrow :-

peace,
~jen