fuck it all.

“If you love something, let it go. If it comes back, it will always be yours. If it doesn’t, it never was.”

Supposedly, I’ve already let go. I mean, that was the point, wasn’t it? So that when we got back together, we’d be stronger than ever? I need to be truthful for a moment, with myself. I’m sure the rest of you all have already seen through the act. Of course I haven’t let him go. I haven’t moved on. I think about him constantly–can’t get him out of my head. I love him, but I’m afraid of losing him forever. And my fear is causing me to hold on tightly to something that’s only half-there right now. I think the problem, for me, is that there’s something there at all. If he were to tell me right now it’s over, it can never be and we should both move on, well of course I’d be sad and upset–but I’d eventually get over it. I’m wondering, contemplating. Should I give him an ultimatum? Tell him all or nothing. No more of this in between crap. I realize that long distance relationships are hard. If they were easy, we wouldn’t be in this situation. But my heart feels like it’s being toyed with. I know he cares about me, and wouldn’t purposely hurt me, but everytime I think about the fact that he could be with another girl…

Okay fuck it… I was in the middle of writing this entry when he told me that the new girl he’s been seeing asked him to be her boyfriend and he said yes. So I guess that’s it. It’s over. Fuck. I’m relieved, but at the same time sad. Like a weight has been lifted, but the ache from holding it for so long is still there.

But now I can move on.