for whom do i write??

jm wants me to write a *real* entry. apparently my last three weren’t real enough for her. so this is a placeholder entry. i’ll be back.

ok i’m back
for the record, the time is now 2:14 am… apparently i do my best writing after normal people are sleeping
i do even better writing when i’m using it as a procrastination tool to put off something else

ok, so by JM’s definition, a good “real” entry is long and “non-boring”… rants are good… rambling is better…
she wants me to write about the penguin gathering that occurred on friday… i’m sorry, but thats just not happening.. i mean, none of the other penguins wrote about it, so why should i? am i the resident “writer” of the group? as i recall every single one of us has either a opendiary, a xanga, or both… not to mention the fact that we also have a blog on the penguins’ website… but granted the geocities site is out of space, and the new topcities site is being assholeish and not letting us in
*note to self: look for servers tomorrow*
actually i’ve been thinking that if we could just archive some of the old stuff on the message board on another site and only keep up the most recent stuff… we could also cut down on bandwidth and storage by moving pictures to a picture host like photobucket–this could take awhile, esp since we’ll have to change all the img src tags… and by we i mean me because i’m always the one who does stuff like that… and dont take that as i’m complaining, b/c i’m def not complaing… and i know some of you are upset with me for moving the application, but one of my other friends is working on helping me make it prettier and stuffs

but anyways, back to the topic i intended to write about… jm always prods me to write, and then when i do write, she prods me to write more, or write more ‘interesting’ stuff (although i did find the fact that i was dying and then on drugs subsequently rather interesting)…
a conversation that i had earlier this evening with another friend (same as above friend–his name is alex, but thats just way too confusing given that we already have an alex, so i’ll just continue to call him “friend”) has caused me to think a little bit… see, my friend also has a diary here on opendiary, but has recently decided to abandon his diary, and move all his writings to a personal website… via a website tracker, he’s been able to track how many people visit his site… in the first week of it being up and running he’s gotten about 50 hits.
he was so dissappointed by this number that he contemplated giving up writing altogether…
my reaction to this was something along the lines of “say WHAT??”… why on earth would you do a thing like that? … his response was something like ‘why bother’… that is, why bother writing if nobody’s going to read it… (i then reminded him that very few people had the link to his website, and people cant read something they dont know is there) …. but that response, along with JM’s continual prodding at me to write or write more or write better made me think:

who do we really write for anyway?

when i began this diary almost exactly a year and a half ago, i wrote for you. my friends. my readers. my audience. i wrote for you reading it so that you could know the events of my daily life. so you could know the thoughts and feelings running through my mind. i wrote so that you could know *me*… or at least i thought i did… i now realize that really i wrote for myself. i wrote so that i wouldnt have to bottle my thoughts and feelings inside. so that you would see what i was going through and give me feedback. so that i could get advice. so that i would have something to do with my time. so that i could procrastinate even more, as if i needed yet another excuse…. with an open diary the agendas are mixed–i write for you even as i write for me… but ultimately, the only one that has to be satisfied with what i wrote is me … not you or you or you.. just ME… i do not write for your entertainment, i write for MY entertainment… i do not write when it is convenient for you to read it, i write when it is leisurely for ME to write it… but at the same time i suppose i do have to be somewhat careful… as my friend said, “what is a writer without readers? a pretender”…. and yet, no matter what i write, it is not possible to please everyone I WILL NEVER PLEASE EVERYONE … but since i write for myself, and not for you, as long as *i* am pleased, what care i if you are not pleased? will you stop reading my diary? oh well i’ll just chalk it up to a loss (and jm, this is not directed at you, just so you know, its directed at anybody and everybody who reads my diary)… but i reiterate, I WRITE FOR NO MAN BUT MYSELF

that having been said, i located a diary recently, that i kept starting when i was about 13 years old, ending when i was 16… this diary, having been a private journal, truly was the last bit of writing that i wrote only for myself… now, several years later, with my friend’s words about a writer without readers ringing in my ears, i feel the need to publish these writings… so i’ve created another diary just for them… i will warn you ahead of time: i was a boy-crazy 13-year old… so a lot (read:nearly all) of the entries are about crushes and boyfriends, and some of them are TMI… but if you care to read about me when i was younger, then click here to continue…

it is now 2:59 am… JM, was that good?