closure?

i think i’ve finally figured it out… why me and ryan not being together feels just so darned wrong to me, even now, two months after our official breakup…. i never got any *closure*…. so much of our relationship was based on physical contact and one-on-one conversations, that a breakup over the phone just seems too damned surreal in the context of our relationship… as a result, i’ve had to struggle off and on with the reality that we are no more…. i think that to be finally done with this once and for all i need real closure… which, judging by where this entry appears to be going, may involve me needing him to tell me to my face that he no longer wants to be with me… but i just need to know for sure that there is absolutely *no chance* of us being together anymore (which i suppose i already know, subconciously…) it may hurt me all over again, but at least i’ll be able to really, truly move on, and not this faking it crap that i’ve been doing for the last two months….

peace,
~jen

PS: i’ve also determined from various encounters with him over the last few days that while i still love him dearly, i am starting to no longer be *in* love with him–which i suppose is a step in the right direction… and i doubt that anyone (myself included) ever expects me to stop loving him entirely… but love is highly subjective, and while at the moment i still love him as i would a boyfriend, in time i’m sure that love will transform/change into the same type of love that i currently have for the rest of my friends

PPS: in case you’re wondering car, yes i’m still mad at him (as well i should be! 😉 )