church… mixed feelings…

I went to church this morning to do my obligatory service of collecting the offering and reading from the Scriptures. Nothing special really happened at church–at least nothing out of the ordinary. but the thing is, lately i can’t stand going to church. its not that i don’t like church, because i do… it always feels safe and comfortable there… but the thing is, going to church makes me feel like a hypocrite. i don’t believe most of what we’re taught in church. it was all i could do to keep from laughing or crying while i was reading the Scriptures. there’s one part of the service where we must recite the Apostles Creed, which (in case you don’t know) goes like this…

I believe in God, the Father almighty, Creator of Heaven and Earth.

I believe in Jesus Christ, his only Son, our Lord.
He was conceived by the power of the Holy Spirit and born of the Virgin Mary.
He suffered under Pontius Pilate, was crucified, died, and was buried.
He descended into hell.
On the third day he rose again.
He ascended into Heaven, and is seated at the right hand of the Father.
He will come again to judge the living and the dead.

I believe in the Holy Spirit, the holy catholic Church, the communion of saints, the forgiveness of sins, the resurrection of the body, and the life everlasting.

Amen.

well anyways… i said the first line, and i was ok… because i do sort of believe in God, or at least a Higher Power of some sort… but i couldn’t bring myself to say the second line, or any of the rest of it up till the Amen. that had never happened to me before, but up until  today i had just gone along and recited everything in the service as ROTE memorization. for the first time, today, i actually thought about what it was i was saying, and i was struck with the amazing hypocrisy i’ve displayed practically my entire life. oh, sure, to the outside world, i’m a perfect Christian– always thinking of others before myself, polite, generous, fairly well-versed in the Scriptures for someone of my age– hell, my pastor even told me once that i ought to consider seminary!!

well, the way this entry started out, i was gonna tell y’all exactly what it is i do and do not believe when it comes to religion, but my writers block is obviously gone, and i’m on a tangent here… so i’m gonna end this, reorganize my thoughts, and continue tomorrow…

~*jen*~