cant… stop… crying….

“We have been taught to believe that negative equals realistic and positive equals unrealistic.” ~Susan Jeffers

Everytime I should be happy, I start to think. What would make me happier? And then because I dont have the thing or the situation that would make me happier, I become dissatisfied with what I do have.

Case-in-point: Jim. An amazing guy. He treats me like a princess, and I couldn’t ask for better. He’s everything I’ve ever wanted, and I can’t believe i’m lucky enough to have him now. But… he lives so far away, and goes to school even farther away. And even though our official two-month anniversary was two days ago, I’ve only seen him on two separate occasions within that two months. We’ve only seen each other on six separate occasions in the entire time we’ve been dating. And it could be a month or more before I get to see him again. It makes me wonder. What exactly are we building this relationship on? IM, email, and phone calls. And even that…

Usually I’m the one who gets all depressed about stuff like this, and then I talk to him about it, and he’s optimistic and comforts me, and tells me everything is going to be just fine, and I don’t need to worry about anything because he cares about me and doesn’t plan on losing me. And when we talk about the future (6months-a year from now) we tend to use ‘when’ clauses rather than ‘if’… But a couple days ago (on our anniversary, ironically) Jim had just gotten back from SC again, and apparently the long drive had caused him to think all of a sudden. He realized just how little time we do get to spend together, and got depressed. Ever since then, our conversations have been awkward, disjointed… I feel like neither of us is saying what’s really on our minds. Just about a half hour ago, we had a relatively cheery conversation… little did he know that I was crying the entire time.

I want to brush it off on hormones–I usually do anyway. But more and more I’ve had these feelings of depression, anxiety, and utter hopelessness, regardless of what time of month it is. Sometimes I wonder if it would be better if I’d never met him at all. I mean, your heart can’t be broken if you never let anybody in, right?

I’m hoping that this is just a little bit of a funk that we’ve both fallen into as a result of the fact that he’s going back to school in a week or two.

Or maybe it’s a matter of me, once again, for the third time in a row, falling for the right person at completely the wrong time…