apologies…

How do you respond?

Condolences are something that I’ve never had to really deal with before. I can count on two hands the number of family members that I’ve actually met and have passed on. My grammy and pop-pop (great grandparents on mom’s side) both passed when I was about 4 years old–I barely remember them. Granna, my great grandmother on my dad’s side, passed when i was about 9 or 10. My memories of her are mostly clear, a little fuzzy–but her death brought me little, if any, sadness. All of the other relatives that I have that have died, have been the types of family members you only see at large family gatherings, and hardly know. So its safe to say that mom-mom’s death is the first one that has really hit close to home for me.

And probably because I’m older now, the phrase that I seem to be hearing a lot of is “Sorry to hear about your grandmom.” At four, I didn’t grasp the concept of death; I only knew that I’d never see grammy and pop-pop again. And I suppose it doesn’t really seem appropriate to tell a 9 year old sorry about her granny. At the deaths of my other family members, I was the one offering condolences to their immediate families: my aunts, uncles, and cousins closest to the deceased. But now I stand in the position they once did, and people are telling me that they’re sorry.

Even though I know that sorry is the customary way to express condolences, I can’t help but think, ‘Sorry for what? It’s not your fault.’ More puzzling to me though, is wondering, ‘Ok, how do I respond?’ The most polite thing seems to be to say “Thank you.” Thank you for letting me know that your thoughts are with me and my family during this time. Thank you for thinking enough of me to say anything at all. But a thank you, while obviously polite, and simple enough to say, just feels so empty. Even receiving the “sorry” is empty to me.

Yes, its comforting to know they’re thinking of me. But then I feel as though I have to put on this solemn face. I wonder if they expect me to burst into tears at any mention of her. They ask me how I am and I don’t know how to respond. I want to say I’m doing good, because thats the truth. Mom-mom would expect tears, but she wouldn’t want me to stop being happy, and I am, honestly and truly, happy.

So how am I supposed to respond? I’ve never heard these words before.
“How are you doing?”
“Sorry to hear about your grandma.”
“Our thoughts are with you guys.”
How do I respond?
“Thank you.” … empty words — meaningless words.
What do they want to hear? What am I supposed to say?

Today after the church service, Pastor hugged me and said “Bless you.” You know, that was my first hug since it happened. I could use more hugs. Less words; words mean nothing. They mean well, but even the virtual hugs I’ve received via instant messages seem empty.

‘i’m so sorry dear *hugs*’
‘thank you’

empty
I feel empty. Hold me.