Why do I feel so lost

It seems I find myself searching for a life that may or may not be reality. What is wrong with my reality?  I know I am not happy.  I think….I know I am settling for a life am living.  I don’t know if it is fear or belief this is what I deserve.  I know for the year I was free it was better than it is now.  I don’t know, or maybe I do, if I still love you.  I believe there is too much history for a future.  Too much history and a stubbornness  not to change.  I wish I could say wiliness, that would be more like it because we are all able to change.  Over 30 years we have grown.  You have grown closer to me but I have grown farther away from you.  Too much damage in my mind that I believe it is too late for me to return to the love I once felt.

You wish you were the only facet in my life that I needed to change.  You would just the be beginning to a whole new life.  You never know if the grass is greener on the other side until you actually cross that road.  I have crossed the road and that grass was so much better but for some reason I let the bungie pull me back and I am continually staying on this patch of grass.

I know one day I will crave what I had on the other side and once again I will be happier.