Johnny Walker -No one should die alone

I know we didn’t get a long when I was younger.  I had so much resentment for so many reasons.  You never really knew how to be a partent let a long a step father.  There was a lot of mean hateful things that was said to me that I have carried my whole life.  Once you were no part of the my mother’s life we drifted apart.  Of coarse because I was young adult and still trying to figure myself out.  But I must say you never bother to reach out to me.  No I havc lived a life.  I life I didn’t think would of been so hard at times.  I appreicate all the lessons you did try to teach me.  The importance of school.  All subjects.  I have a job now in my late 40’s that I never thought I would need geography but I do.  Politics, I now know how important it is to follow what is going on and that my vote counts.  I can’t complain if I am not willing to make a change.  The music games you use to play with us.  The social network that can hapen over a golf game or tennis game.  Enjoying a nice meal and the proper etiquette while eating with other.  My Lord, there are so many lessons you toght me or tried to teach me.  I know now you were just trying to prepare me for life.  But one of the most important lesson I will say is the lesson of forgiveness.  Not because of the forgiveness you shown me but the forgiveness I had to learn because of you.  I know words can hurt.  I choose my words wisely when I am heated.  I know how to cut someone to the core but I also know once they are out of the mouth I can not take them back.  I don’t want to make anyone feel like you had made me feel.  I don’t ever remember having a feeling of love with you.  I know the last day I lived under your roof I was told I was selfish and unlovable.  That my mother wouldn’t believe me over you( that part you were correct) but I was only 17 and I carried that with me.  I know you were just trying to hurt me.  I tell myself it made me stronger but it did some damage.  I never felt like I matter. I was also shutting down. I still shut down to this day and I don’t like itl.  I keep the good memories and let the bad ones go.  Over the years you have always been on my mind.  I drove by many times and never had the nerve to stop.  It was that little girl in me that never stopped.  But the adult wanted to.  I wanted to thank you above all for the years of my life you did give me.  They weren’t the best all the time and to just let you know I am okay today.  Once I finally got the nerve to stop I found you have passed away in 2019.  The house I once called a home was abandoned.  You still had things that belongs to us for safe keeping.  But the shock of seeing how you spent the end of your life will never leave my mind.  I am sorry you died alone and in horrible conditions.   I am mostly sorry you couldn’t see how great I turned out.  I have issued, very true, but I have the best heart.  I am smart and doing great.  Thank you for pushing me.  ,