A Ramble

Looks like I am becoming one of those once a month writers… though this is my second entry the first one hardly counts…in my mind anyway.

Speaking of my mind, wow what a crazy place inside and out.

If you care to take this rambling journey with me, the read on and if not well….. well come on anyway, it might make your life look grand.

Lets Raaammmbbbblllle

Guess I have an autoimmune desease, disorder? I am not sure what it is called and they are not sure which I have. What I am learning, there are no good ones to have. They put me on some meds Lyrica which made me blow up like a balloon and irritate ever nerve ending in my body. Got off that and felt much better but still like shit. I hope none of you get this though I know a few of you already have it. I used to think it was problem between the ears and I could make it go away and for about a spilt second I can. I am seriously wondering if there are support groups for this, if not there needs to be because the world does not understand. The world here means the whackpack…back to that in a moment. Anyway, you can look kinda of normal, if dark circles and bags big enough for a trip around the world is normal looking… .so you don’t really look sick and people expect you to act like you look. I don’t bother talking to anyone about it other than Hub and A-Girl. A-Girl has it also which makes the Mother in me feel like I failed her. She has had some improvement as of late and that thrills me. She is actually talking about finishing up school. She has been my FOREVER student. She has regrets now about taking so long but that is okay I tell her as long as you do it. She probably will not work because her job is to stay home for her kids at this time but maybe in the future. It does sadden me to see what this is doing to her body. She is a very small person. Hub has been great through it all and is much more insightful than I.

So many of you miss your Mothers so much that I feel bad complaining about mine but I think I need to mind dump a few things about her. Better insert a disclaimer here for my own guilt. I of course love her very much and want her here with me until the end which could be… who knows, a day, week, month or years and years. But damn that woman can be ornary! Her mind is sharp and so is her tounge. Hub worries that I am going to say something that is going to upset her. Upset her!!! She says the meanest shit to me and the other day I bit back. Did I feel bad? A bit. Did she feel bad… LOL hell no!

I was aware when she moved in here that a lot of stuff could be brought to the surface but didn’t think it really would because well…LOL I didn’t think it would because I am so well adjusted…Hahahha. What a fucking joke. But in all fairness to her and myself maybe it would not have if I was not dealing with my sister, niece and her 6 kids in foster car.

Anyway, Mums brought up what a horrible teenager I was (100 years ago) and that her regret was she didn’t take the belt to me enough as a child. WTF!!!  That made me go off on her and remind her of what kind of childhood I had and HER part in it. She told me to shut up and stop talking foolish stuff that happened so long ago. Oh no lady, you brought it up and you are going to hear it. I then remind her of the times I was beaten so bad that I had to lie about the bruises. I reminder her that I remember the doctor asking her about them and her telling him I just fall alot. I reminded her of the time she sat with my older sister (the one i am dealing with now) and laughed her ass off while my sisters husband put hickies on neck. It was the first day of 5th grade. I tried to run from him. That is when she told me to shut up and not bring up the past. I didn’t shut up. I let her have it. Maybe that was mean of me but don’t let me take care of you, pay most of your bills and then have to shut up about the past when she was the one that brought it up and thinks I should have been kicked around more as a kid. She tried to tell me it was not that bad so I had to bring up a few more memories and remind her. Remember Mom when I was sooooo sick with a cold/flu. I had a fever and was sick as a dog and had a sniffling nose. I was told by my sister husband if I sniffed one more time he would shove a jar of vicks down my throat. I was 9 or 10, I was a kid, I forgot and sniffed again. He jerked me up so fast and threw me on the floor and rammed that shit down my throat and up my nose. This happened on a day that G-girl was sick and I took care of her for a few hours. I reminded her I was just the same age when that happened and asked her if she could imagine someone doing that to her (g-girl). I think that put it in perspective for her because she shut up and went on to another subject.

On top of taking care of her, running 3 hours north every week or two to check on the kids I have been taking my sister to the doctor so she can have the lap band done. This is a sister that stole all my moms money which I am now paying for. This is also the grandmother of the 6 kids and the wife or ex wife rather of the man I spoke about above. Why do I do it, because I want her to live and to have a better life and I really do try not to live in the past and never bring it up, it is ALWAYS  those two that bring it up and it is always about how horrible I was as a kid. How can a kid be horrible? I was just a little girl and I swear I was no different than any other kid other than I may have tried harder to fit in because I felt I never did. But you can’t be 10, beatin down, sexually molested and not have a few problems as a teen…. least I couldn’t but and that is why they see me as bad.

My Mom even says crazy shit that she thinks I should be grateful for such as (and she is very proud of this) that she was rarely embarrassed that I was an unwed mother and would take my A-girl places, like to her friends house to visit. I was a young Mom and chose not to marry but stayed with him. It wasn’t like I didn’t know who the daddy was and even if that was the case big deal it was all a result of my fucked childhood as I see it.

I did tell her that she gave my childhood away without thought and gave her money away to my lazy ass sister knowing that I would take care of her no matter what. She finally shut the fuck up, locked herself in her room. I did check on her and she was crying and said she was sorry and she knows in her heart that she has never been fair to me and has always known it. I tried to smooth

it over and told her I thought her a victim also and that I always loved her. She came out of her rooms the next day with her head high and looked me in the eyes and told me she is NOT going to hold a grudge against me. I just shook my head, same shit, different decade.

So I think between being sick and overdealing with with big sis, neice and 6 kids it just about killed me, or at least it felt like it.

I will continue to help sis for a month, enough time to get her in and out of surgery. I am going to go to my nieces court dates just so I can here her explain why her kids were/are in deplorable conditions and why she has not taken one step to try and do what the court has order her to do to get the babies back.

This is the hardest part but I have decided not to take on her kids, none of them. I will just be an aunt and keep in touch. My Mum is like having a child around and she is a lot of work and even she admits she may be more than I can handle being sick. That is another story… .oh boy, she is a lot of work.

I have nothing left to give the kids if they live here. It would just be cheating them and making myself sicker. I feel so horrible about because everyone is looking at me to do something. I have always been the rock, could handle everything. The whole pack knows if I don’t do for the kids then no one will because not one of them will even say… can I help? It is one fucked up mess.

This is just a minor dump but it is a start. I have to get this stuff out of me, it is rotting me from the inside out. I know I have written about some of this before and I don’t think about it until someone brings it up. I am not a nut case that lives in the past…. least I don’t think so. It is just the past is coming present again.

If you have made it this far… .thank you.

Thank you all for your kind words and good thoughts and prayer on my last entry, I need them.