Pernicious Beasties
I’m not one for anthropomorphism (the process of ascribing human characteristics to an inanimate object – cool word, huh?). However, if I were, I would have to say that this house is being a jerk.
Dean prefers zoomorphism (the process of ascribing animal characteristics to an inanimate object). He declared, with no hint of hyperbole, that the house ‘as its claws in him and won’t let go’. I immediately thought of a giant, squatting pincer beetle, and it didn’t seem at all an over-exaggeration.
By the end of last week – our last in the house – we were all very short of temper and long of face. It was a relief, on our last day, to contemplate life in a caravan. The house, while sold, is technically still ours until the transfer goes through. It’s behaving very badly.
About 30 seconds after the sale was signed, half the cornice in the passageway fell down. One more thing to fix before we leave.
The entomologist came over to inspect all our nooks and crannies, and dolefully informed us that we had wood borer in the library floor. The time and money and love and care and effort that went into laying that floor in the first place needs to be the subject of a blog post all on its own, and we had to rip it all up and burn it. Burn it in a massive bonfire, and try not to think of what we were sending up in smoke, literally or figuratively.
It gave a lovely light.
In keeping with the insect theme, a wood wasp spent a happy few weeks last summer perforating one of the window frames in our bedroom with neat, round holes. Although not structurally damaging, or in the same league as the wood borer in terms of the danger of spreading to other timber, we were nonetheless informed that we’d have to replace the entire frame. We bought one. It didn’t fit. Apparently, our house was designed with custom-spec window frames, instead of the standard size. Of course it was. More money. More window putty.
What a jerk. The house, not the wasp. Okay, maybe the wasp too.
The kids’ bunkbeds, when disassembled, proved to be hollow and on the verge of collapse thanks to internal wood rot. Another bonfire.
The rates certificate cost SIX TIMES what we normally spend on rates. What? WHY?!?!
The electrician we hired to check the wiring and sign off on the COC produced a list of faults that Dean will have to fix before he can issue the certificate. Small things, but a lot of work, and much of it related to things that were in place before we bought the house, implying that the owner before us greased a few palms to get his COC issued. Naturally.
Three of our five gate remotes packed up at the same time. Three of them. At The Same Time.
If I were of a ranting mindset, I’d bore you with more of this. It’s been that kind of month. I won’t.
I’ll end with a summary:
Wasps are jerks.
Beetles are worse.
Bonfires are fun.
I wish this was over, already.
