Selfish

I realized the other day that I’m selfish. Not in any really bad way. But in the “these are the few reasons that I’m holding back on trying to get pregnant” kinda of way. These few reasons that have jumped to mind are mostly selfish (a few are not….kinda). I know Hubby would be totally cool with starting to try today. But something has been holding me back and here are the reasons, in no particular order.

#1 – The whining almost 2 year old in the next room who is refusing to nap. Managing TWO kids under the age of 3? No thank you!

B – The fact that Monkey is still in diapers for the foreseeable future. He has shown ZERO interest in the potty and that’s one of the things Hubby and I both agreed on a LONG time ago was that Monkey needed to be out of diapers first.

#3 – I am finally happy with my body post-baby. It took me a full year to get back to pre-pregnancy weight. And now, at almost 2 years postpartum, I can actually say (without lying) that I’m happy with the way my stomach looks. I’ve always hated my thighs and butt so there’s no real love going to happen there. I have shorts that I bought last year that I can finally wear now. They were EXPENSIVE shorts and I’d like to get some use out of them before I have to put them away for an entire year +. (Selfish reason, yes, I know.)

D – I have no family here to help me. (Selfish, again.) When I was pregnant with Monkey I had my Mom and Dad (and in-laws……if I had wanted their help anyway). And while I didn’t have Hubby around it was better to have my Mom who had a flexible work schedule and could go with me to every appointment. Hubby will now have a job where he can’t take time off all the time to go to the doctors and I have another little Monkey who I won’t want to drag to an OB/GYN appointment and try to keep from wreaking havoc. I miss my family and I want them around.

#5 – I want to enjoy Hawai’i for a while before I have to succumb to morning sickness and all day nausea and fatigue. Let me get all my fun out of the way before I feel like a whale. (Again, selfish.)

F – Even though Monkey gets up early, he does sleep through the night (and has for a long while). I like my sleep and I fear that the next kid won’t STTN from day 1 like Monkey did. I just don’t think I could handle getting up every 2 hours with a newborn. (Wow, I’m looking more and more selfish as this goes on.)

#7 – We want a girl. That sounds awful writing it down like that! But we really do. I’m sure I would be happy when the baby was born if it were another boy…but srsly? Dealing with the boy I have NOW is hard enough I can’t even imagine TWO boys! We both (Hubby and I) would like a girl. But the only way to guarantee that is to adopt. Which I have no problems with! And this leads me to:

H – I just…and this is kind of hard to admit to anyone other than Hubby and my Mom but, I want to have a pregnancy where I’m happy. Where I get excited for doctors appointments and picking out things and feeling movement and taking weekly pictures. I want a happy pregnancy. A pregnancy where I look at that stick I just peed on and jump up and down with happiness when it reads “Pregnant” at me. I want that, but I don’t know if I would be that happy right now.

#9 – How do you split your time and energy and love fairly between two kids!? My Mom said that every mom wonders this when they have their second child but once that baby is here every mom sees that it’s not sharing love but that your love grows to encompass everyone. It’s just too hard to imagine now. Sharing time and devotion and “Hold on a minute honey, Mommy’s dealing with brothers/sisters such-and-such right now you’ll have to wait.”

So those are my reasons. Probably not justifiable next to “Monkey would have a sibling to play with and talk to (if he starts talking…ever.) and I’m not sure our family is really complete yet.” But so be it.

I finally have a computer desk and I’m writing on MY OWN computer (Oh how I’ve missed you little Mac Mini!) and I will now get back to editing photo’s! Woot! 🙂