no wonder

i am going to switch gears here and vent about my son.

it is no wonder he struggles. most kids go through a phase of insecurity, lack of confidence, etc. well, he handles it in a way that confirms his fears. he acts very negative. he does things that assure a negative response.

i tried to talk to hub about this last night. i think he saw my points. my son wastes time, avoids getting his stuff done til last minute and could do better. sounds like most kids. but, being the annoying mom that i am, i am always trying to encourage him to do better, but i probably do it in a negative way too. i did the same thing to dau, but she responded differently. she got mad, but she dug her heels in and did what had to be done. he gets mad and refuses to do what he should then. the opposite response.

he and hub have some friction going on. son is actually quite a huggy kind of guy. u wouldn’t know it really. when i hug him he sometimes is like ik, and sometimes is receptive. so i hug him a lot. what he wants is affection from his dad. so instead of trying to give hub a hug, he will come up behind him and give him a percussive bear hug type thing. my son is huge. not too fat, but huge. 6 ft 200 lb approx. maybe not quite that tall. so when he plows into someone, they are caught off guard.

about a month ago, son did that to hub. it did catch him off guard and he had pain in his neck from reacting. he immediately scolded son in strong terms (and i felt he went a bit overboard). i know what son is doing. he is trying to express and get affection. he does it awkwardly. he is 16. he needs affection from his dad and his dad is an affectionate type of guy. since then hub has comeplained about that and how his back still hurts, etc. makes son feel bad. the day it happened i went downstairs and scolded hub for being so harsh. to son it is a total rejection. hub can’t understand why son can’t just give him a nice gentle hug instead of stuff like that. son would prefer to wrestle him than anything, but hub is not as young and beefy.

hub tries to help son with his music practice. son gets all bent out of shape and rejects hub’s criticism. he sees it as criticism, not help. but he doesn’t reject it nicely, he makes snide comments that really irk hub and hub just stomps off and says i don’t like you kind of things to son. yeah, like that helps. i told hub to not push himself on son. when he wants help he will ask for it. i tell son to listen to his dad because he is wise and is only trying to help. it is an impass.

we discussed these things as we drove home from something yesterday. i am a bit upset with son cuz he had a whole evening to do things and get them done. becuase we were out of town, he played games and did only a little bit. he is packed busy the rest of the week, takes ACT test saturday and has soemthing going on saturday afternoon. so it was his one chance to get a little something done. when he called i could hear the TV in the background. and i found game junk on the computer desk. so i know, if he did some homework, he also did some goofing off. he already goofed off all sunday evening and got home to realize he forgot some homework and had to stay up late and do that. drives me nuts.

so anyway, he is on his way out the door. hub grabs his backpack in hubs attempt at affection. becuase i had been chewing son out for wasting time, son kind of growls at hub and says knock it off. sound familiar. they both do the same exact thing. so then son is on his way out the door and i said come hug your dad, it will make your day go better. he complains about being late for school but comes across the room and kind of leans into hub. he has his backpack and stuff. hub sort of hugs him, but says that’s not a hug to son. hub says i don’t think son likes me. good grief. he came back from the door and his hug just wasn’t good enuf? i saw it as a request for a hug from hub. no. hub had to get all mad and reject it. i tried to talk to hub about it then. i said we always had to get our dau to come back and hug her daddy, but hub was saying, hey where’s my hug? he doesn’t do that to son. and of course she gave him a nice girl hug, 16 yo boys don’t do that usually. there were many times she would get frustrated and not want to come back from the door and give daddy a hug, and hub would get on her case, but i pointed out to hub he NEVER rejected her. he rejects son almost every time. and there is nothing son wants more than approval and affection from his dad. he isn’t going to get it. my approval and affection are OK, but dad’s are more powerful and far more difficult to obtain. it aggravates me no end. i want to help my son. i don’t do a very good job either cuz i find myself scolding him in an attempt to get him to not waste time and stuff. i know our personalities clash. i am just sad about it. i could just cry.

so my answer is to just pray, pray, pray. there was a time when i felt i had nothing but rejection for my dau. believe it or not. you wouldn’t know now that i go on and on about her like she was the only person on earth. but there was a time when she really bugged me and all she wanted was my affection and i found it very difficult to give it to her. she was younger than 16 at that time. so, i prayed and prayed and prayed and prayed. i have no idea when it turned around but it did. and i know the prayer was answered. but i have been so caught up in my delightful relationship with dau that i didn’t realize my relationship with son was going down the toilet.

having her gone this year, i have been able to focus on son a lot more. in some ways it has helped. in some ways he was more of a pain than ever. but recently he has been trying. he has just established a pattern of wasting time and it is hard for him to break away from that “habit” and focus. dau comes home in 5 weeks. then son will feel all rejected again cuz dau and i talk and talk and talk. he isn’t in on the girl talk. he doesn’t want to be, but he is sort of ignored. he wants to say something and it is always, just a minute. and then i forget or he forgets what he was going to say.

he gets me so mad that i just get a rejection type attitude going toward him too. then i just leave the room or whatever. then he decides he wants to talk. well, then i am mad so i say some rude thing and then he is justified in being mad and feels rejected so he won’t talk now. viscious circle. i analyze it over and over cuz i want to somehow give him the encouragement and support he needs, while not rewardign him for bad behavior, still correcting him for misbehavior. hard to do. he needs more support and encouragement than dau becuase he doesn’t have near the confidence or security she has. he desperately needs it and yet he sets himself up for rejection over and over. then he is rejected. then he can say to himself, see, i am not worthy, or whatever. i have to somehow break through on this. he is too valuable to let him wallow in negativity. he has teachers on his case about being behind in class. dau had teachers praising her and giving her student of the week or student of the year awards. son gets very negative feedback and responds negatively before, after or both.

anyway, i wanted to write that out cuz with all my entries about dau, you wouldn’t even know i had a son. how bad am i?

faith hope and love, but the greatest of these is love.