Letting go of my hero

I know it isn’t supposed to be this way, but my hero is my daughter. She is also my hub’s hero, and her brother’s hero, and many other ppl’s. I am so proud of her. She is everything I want to be. And I love her.

As a teen she went through a lot of common stuff, I won’t call it normal, cuz normal is not easily defined. She had a problem with being a little overweight, and then she had a problem getting too thin. Scared me to death when she got so thin. Ew. She had rebellious moments, but we usually worked them out. She had an ikky bf relationship that I had a problem with, and later learned was practically abusive. She went off to college. We emailed a lot. She called a lot. Especially when she began to date the guy she is going with now. And he is wonderful. Really, really wonderful. They “deserve” each other in my opinion. It is like a fairy tale almost, but with a lot of real day to day difficulties and communications.

2 weeks before the end of the school year, she decided to go out with this guy. They had been getting to know each other, and she didn’t know he liked her. I guess he liked her when he first saw her when she was still in high school. She did not know this til much, much later. She had no idea he liked her. She was afraid of him for some reason, and would never talk to him. He couldn’t figure out how to get to know her since she wouldn’t talk to him. She would talk to everyone but him, and he had observed her blow off any guy who flirted with her and knew flirting was not the answer. He is honest and full of integrity. He is very, very good to her.

So all summer long, they made plans to see each other. The longest they went was 3 weeks without seeing each other. We live a days’ drive from the university she goes to and a little further than that to where he spent the summer. Dau did not have much of a job because she planned a trip with her dad in the middle and church camp toward the end of summer break. I thought it would be OK and we would get a lot done around the house. We didn’t really. But what we did do was talk and talk and talk. We took long walks. I enjoyed it so much. We both did. We were both sad to see the summer end. She was bored tho and longed to be back at school and with her super bf, so it was good that she left. We both were very sad that what we shared over the summer was over. My hero left me.

I had the notion that she would email me all the nitty gritty details like she had last spring. She didn’t. I had the notion she would call me and talk for hours. She didn’t. I am missing her so much, but I know I need to let go.

Last school year, we both checked our email hoping for an email from one another. I check, but very seldom do I get an email. And I knew it, I just kind of hoped I could keep that close relationship going. That I would be in on the daily thoughts and happenings. I think she wanted to do that too, but it isn’t happening. She is too busy. What free time she does have, she needs to give to her roommate and her bf. As far as I know she has devotions, reads the Bible and prays with both of them. Who could ask for anything more? Especially at a public university.

After school started, I had more problems with depression again. part of it was not taking a walk every day, or having anyone to talk to. Now I am feeling sorry for myself as I write this. But, more than that, I lost my best friend. I know my spouse is supposed to be that, but he is not there for me when I need him. he is too busy too. Long ago he admitted that he gets himself involved in things so he doesn’t have to be home and around me. Thanks, hon. But I understand it. We love each other, but we are so different. His overcommitting himself all the time leads me to not commit to anything. It started out because I hd to take care of all the things he didn’t have time for. It continued through the years of our marriage, and I basically take care of anything that needs taken care of.

If I were to die, the bills would not get paid except the ones that are automatically withdrawn from the acct. Nothing would get cleaned. And I am dead serious. The maintenance might get done. There are so many home maintenance things that have been let go, and I get yelled at if I press the issue, because…. you guessed it…. he is overcommitted and it stresses him out.

Anyway, back to the original storyline. My best friend moved away, and I need to let go. She has too many demands of her already, and I cannot be another one. I will not be one. I have decided I will not be selfish when it comes to her. I will try to be unselfish about other things too, but I have to focus on her because that is the hardest right now. She and her bf wanted to go on a trip this next weekend. They planned it a long, long time ago. When dau asked me, I said, sounds like a good idea. And I do think it is a good idea. But something came up and I wanted dau to come to it with me to see her brother perform in something. So, I begged her to come to that and not go on the trip. I asked bf to please consider coming. It ended up that they cancelled their trip. I am so upset with myself. That was so inconsiderate and selfish of me. How could I do that? Ew. I don’t want to do that ever again. And her bf is so good about it. He decided she should go be supportive of her brother and not go. But he is not coming to this thing and they are not going on the trip. I wish I could undo that. I wish I could make it right. But the way to make it right is to learn from it and understand what it is I am doing next time it comes up.

getting long, so I will start another entry.

faith hope and love, but the greatest of these is love.