i want to write about…..

I want to write about an experience I had at church camp. It might have to be multiple entries as everyone is home and I am probably going to get interrupted.

I have a problem with trust. In anyone. Or anything. Or at least I did before this experience.

I would mull over and over different things about hub that drive me crazy and hurts that I feel over things he says and does. When he comes home, he goes straight to the TV. I feel like in a Christian home, that shouldn’t be. I don’t know why he doesn’t want to sit down and talk or spend any time w me. It bothers me a lot. A lot.

But other things. I want him to go one walks with me. I want him to finish house projects that he begins and doesn’t finish. I have a cabinet that he started to refinish 10 yrs ago and part of it is in the basement TV room and the other parts are scattered here and there all over the place. He bought trim for the basement bathroom 2 1/2 yrs ago. I move it from one storage spot to another.

OK. Get past that. I would interpret many things he does as he really doesn’t want to be with me or do what I want done. I am going to use past tense because I think this has changed.

At church camp, dau’s bf asked me and hub if we wanted to go on a walk with them later. I said, I do! Hub acted like it was tortue to even think about it. He agreed tho. Later that evening, he kept complaining about it. I said, please don’t ruin this for me. We went on the walk. He walked SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOo slow. So, do I walk with dau, bf and another friend, or do I hang back and dawdle around with hub. Since he was so kind as to grace us with his presence on the walk, I decided to hang back. He kept like running me off the path. I suggested we walk with the others. He then raced to about as far in front of them as we were behind, far enough to not be part of the group. OK. So I interpreted this to mean, “I do not want to walk with you.” We usually walk to a certain place and look at the stars at this camp. We past that while he was way ahead. I decided that since he made it pretty clear he was not walking WITH me, I just hung back and tried not to cry. I decided to not say a word. That was wise on my part. So the evening went and dau and bf thought it was a huge success and that we had fun. We didn’t have time to look at the stars cuz we had walked so far past, we had to get back. That was a drag. And close to the end he was pestering the other person who came on the walk with us trying to step on her feet and just being silly. I just walked on and pretended that nothing was wrong, but I was hurt.

I have had a bad habit of going to bed upset or mad and not resolving it before I sleep like the Bible says we are to do. Once again I choose to use past tense, because I hope I don’t do that any more.

The next morning, I was still sad. Just hurt. Angry, yes. Mostly hurt and sad. I talked to the Lord about it. I walked early, early in the morning by myself and watched the ducks at the lake, a spider spinning a web, stuff like that. I talked to the Lord and cried out to Him becuase I was just hurting.

Right before church service, I was doing what I usually do, planning ahead for what do I do the next time I get hurt like that. How do I avoid it in the first place? what do I say? Do I put my foot down and say, “I have had it!”? What? Refuse to go on any more trips w hub? A bunch of thoughts that didn’t seem so off. There was a set of meetings we go to every other year, and every other one of those, we get into a huge fight to the point where I just can’t stop crying for like days. Seriously. So I still don’t know about that one, but I had decided when that came up, I would stay home. I would stay home from everything. just forget it.

The Lord said to me, in a practically audible voice: “Don’t you trust me?” Here I had been asking him to heal the situation and change my heart, and planning to avoid the next painful experience. I felt like the Lord was saying, if you want me to fix this you have to trust me and not plan an escape. The peace that came over me was unreal. It has remained all this time (almost 2 months). Even tho I still have moments when I get upset and moments when he flies off the handle and hurts my feelings, it comes back to OK, I will just trust the Lord with this and forgive.

Oh yeah, the church meeting a couple days before had been on the attitude of unforgiveness we hold. And I had. A LOT.

faith hope and love, but the greatest of these is love.