Good Day, Bad Day

Well, I finally was able to get something taken care of that has been a blight on my conscience for a while now.  Two years ago, I got stopped for a random insurance check on my vehicle.  During the stop, the officer asked how long my license had been suspended. Huh?  Then he wrote a ticket for my license being suspended.  When I investigated, the ticket he spoke of was written in Bellaire Texas, where I have never been. Not once. Ever.  Further investigation found that the vehicle was registered to my older brother’s brother in law in Odessa.  My brother was in town, got stopped, and gave them my information.  He intended to pay the ticket, but as is normal for him, didn’t have enough money and didn’t want to tell me.  So, FOUR years later, I found out that I have unpaid tickets for no insurance, registration, inspection, speeding, and  Failure to appear warrants.  Since he had no money still, I paid the tickets to take care of it.  It wasn’t until my wife and I were in a traffic accident that I found out my license was suspended still because, apparently the great state of Texas assesses surcharges on citations.  Over $2500.00 worth by the time I  found out about it.  And after the accident, I got another ticket for driving while license suspended, which meant more surcharges. AARGH!  Finally got them paid off and took my written test to get my license back today which I passed.  I take the driving test on the 26th and this mess will FINALLY be behind me once and for all. Yay for that.

On the downside, been depressed about Brad today.  Have ups and downs on this one. I did the right thing, I know that.  But in spite of everything, I miss my son and I hate that our relationship has tanked, even if I don’t feel that I bear responsibility for that.  A year ago, we were almost inseparable, now he doesn’t want to be part of our family.  I know it’s the drugs, but still.  He sent another hateful message, and I finally replied, letting him know that he knew the consequences as I had told him numerous times what would happen if the lies and drug use continued.  I also told him he had no one to be angry at but himself because he was forwarned and continued to make bad choices.  I let him know that I loved him, but could not condone his life choices and therefore would not provide support to enable him.  I closed by letting him know again that I love him but will not contact him again until I hear from him first, that until that time he needs to look at his decisions and the road he’s going down.  I doubt he will read the note, or listen to what I had to say if he does because of the frame of mind he is in.   I just can’t stop worrying about him and what can and probably will happen.  The other thought is his biolgical father.  Kenneth was never part of Brad’s life, they didn’t really even know each other. He was found face down in a crack house, dead from an overdose, when the summer heat caused decomposition and neighbors called police due to the smell. and he was only 35.  I identified the body so Cheryl wouldn’t have to, and I keep having visions of doing the same thing with Brad.  Or, as with Austin, sitting helplessly beside his hospital bed unable to do anything but grieve.  I know I’m letting worst case scenarios run rampant in my mind today and that it won’t help anything, just unable to stop. So as always, I’m unburdening on here all the stuff I can’t tell anyone else, lol. 

Since I lost my first son, my greatest fear is losing another child.  I’m sure that most parents fear the same thing, but I’ve lived the reality and I just can’t stand the thought of facing that again.  This month is thirteen years since Austin died, and some days it’s still as though it were yesterday.  The pain never completely fades, it likes to jump up and bite you at unexpected times.  I don’t know how to explain how it’s different from losing other loved ones, it just is, at least for me.

Despite the depression and upset, I’m determined to stay resolute on my decision.  Many people in many places are praying for Bradley and sending out positive thoughts where they don’t pray.  I beleive it will have results no matter their beleif system.  And I thank each and every one of you for that.  Despite the fact that we’ve never met, many of you have continually expressed your concern and support.  In today’s world, that’s an exceptional quality, and I think you are exceptional people for caring.  Thank you, each and every one.