03/07/2013

I am planning to go to a Narcotics Anonymous meeting tonight to see if I can gain a little insight or perspective, maybe some advice or knowledge that the internet hasn’t provided on all this stuff with Bradley.  I got up this morning and was working in the yard and suddenly realized that the trampoline is missing.  It’s not a big deal, it was Brad’s trampoline, but I don’t want him sneaking down here at will and walking away with things, whether they belong to him or not.  He WILL show me enough respect to come when I am home or make arrangements in advance with me.  I sent him a message telling him as much, but of course he didn’t answer.  Basically, I am tired of all the foolishness he thinks he’s going to dish out trying to prove something.   He seems to look at this as some sort of power struggle wherein he’s going to show me who’s boss or something. 

I don’t know how or when this child I love so much has become a person I wouldn’t even want to know if he weren’t my son.  He lies like fish breath water, steals, and manipulates to get what he wants.  Anyone who doesn’t cooperate with his manipulations is immediately cut from his life.  I know it’s the mindset he’s lapsed into with drug use, but that’s no excuse.  Drug use is a concious decision, which he makes over and over knowing the consequences and knowing the pain he’s causing others.  I found this letter on the internet, and it sums up his behavior almost perfectly:

 What Addicts Do

I’m an addict. And this is what addicts do. You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, is my needs and how to go about fufilling them. You are a tool to me, something to use. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn’t be using if I loved myself, and since I don’t, I cannot love you.

My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that I could be considered sociopathic. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn’t faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you and steal from you.

My behavior cannot and will not change until i make a decison to stop using/drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action.

And until I make that decsion, I will hurt you again and again and again.

Stop being surprised.

I am an addict. And that’s what addicts do.

I feel conflicted so much of the time.  My head tells me that I am taking the correct course of action, and everyone I’ve shared this problem with that has been through the same circumstance has told me I’m doing the right thing for Bradley and for myself and Brian.  But my emotions tell me that my son is going to suffer and that’s a difficult thing for me to accept willingly.  I’ve spent a lifetime protecting my kids and now am faced with a situation where I am powerless to help him, because he doesn’t want my help. He actively rejects anything that is going to get in the way of pursuing this lifestyle. 

I don’t really know what I’m trying to say today on this post, I just let things get to me today more than usual.  I’ve been pretty accepting of the situation and my decisions as they stand, but today it just seemed to come crashing down on my shoulders again.  I know this is a problem that isn’t going away any time soon, that I have to be ready to be steady for the long haul and stand fast to my decision to cut him off financially.  I can even live with it if he decides he never wants anything to do with me again, as long as I know he’s set his life back on the right path.  Lord, help me stay strong and please protect my son from himself, because I sure can’t do it.