01/08/2021

I always wanted to be the charming and articulate one at the party. You see these characters in movies and think to yourself “Wow, that person is so smart and sauve and sexy. They must have it all figured out. Everyone is so engaged in what they’re saying. Hanging on every word. Swaying from joyful laughter to genuine intrigued. I wonder who that person is…”

But in reality – I’m going through the motions. Attempting what I think to be cool in movies but in the “real world.” Life doesn’t climax and resolve itself in two hours. A whole lifetime passes you by. Generations even… Battles are lost and wars are won and yet in just two short hours you’re back to your mundane watching paint dry life. Take a deep breath and muster the strength to perform the next set of expected motions. Even to just keep people from wondering if there’s something really wrong. Whether or not you’re facing some internal conflict. They don’t care or maybe they do. Vanity is the at the top of every chart right now. People want to appear as if they care. And no one has the guts to say “I don’t care.” (Quite frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn…” Not sure what movie that’s from but feels like it fits.) Otherwise you’ll be ostracized for not conforming to societal pleasantries. Does that mean you lack humanity? Our priorities have changed. And it’s sad. But honestly, I don’t care. I’m not writing for feedback or input. I’m writing for my selfish reasons. My desire to unload these thoughts and ponder bullshit we think is profound.

I don’t know. The separation of your physical state from this force that voluntarily/involuntarily moves you through is life is so interesting to me. Is that why we started religion? To appease our tiny minds and say “Hey, there’s an explanation for the unknown.” Why can’t it just be unknown? Why can’t we just find what naturally brings us fulfillment and be content with that feeling or sensation until our physical state expires?

More thoughts to come…